More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole?

In recent years,
people
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
more often
work
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
harder and overtime, and
sacrifies
Correct your spelling
sacrificed
their quality
time
to their families and friends. In
this
essay, I will examine the root cause of the problems and the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
their family
life
and societies. There are basically two key factors why
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
choose to have
a hustle jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a hustle job
hustle jobs
show examples
and tend to have frugal living in their societies. One major issue is the rise of their daily personal and family necessities. As
people
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
older and
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
responsible in their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
to earn money, they will
trying
Change the verb form
try
be trying
show examples
to accumulate the basic requirements that they need to be met, so one job generally is not enough to cover their needs.
Furthermore
,
people
who have a desire to improve their quality of
life
are tend
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
more diligent to earn a pence. In fact, it is a great idea for the younger generation to gain their
work
experience, allowing them to explore diverse
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
and increase their professional networking.
This
will help
securing
Wrong verb form
secure
show examples
their elderly
life
to be more resilient.
Nevertheless
,
work
Verb problem
apply
show examples
overtime mainly
affecting
Wrong verb form
affects
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workers
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
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limited
time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
their family and friends. Since they tend to spend their
leasure
Correct your spelling
leisure
time
to
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working
show examples
work
, they
forgot
Wrong verb form
forget
show examples
to maintain their relationships with their relatives, particularly their
life-partner
Correct your spelling
life partner
show examples
.
Consequently
, it will lead to misunderstanding and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
of compassion in their relationships, as they barely have a meaningful conversation.
Contrastly
Rephrase
In contrast
show examples
, it would not happened if
people
starting
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
their hustle
life
earlier. By maintaining their stable
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
at an
ealy
Correct your spelling
early
age, they can spend more
time
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
their partner in the future and empower their financial independence goals. In conclusion, it is
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
that
people
are forced to
work
harder to earn more allowance and pay off their debt. To avoid the negative effects which will influence their family and societies, it is a good decision for them to start their hustle
life
at
Change preposition
as
show examples
adolescent
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adolescents
show examples
,
therefore
they have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
quality of
life
and well-being in the future.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt sufficiently and provides an overall complete response. However, ensure that you provide more specific examples to support your points and make your arguments more robust.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Although your essay flows well, there are instances where ideas could be connected more seamlessly. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to improve the coherence.
language
Work on improving your language accuracy. Small grammatical and vocabulary errors can be distracting and affect your overall score.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and well-structured. You’ve effectively introduced the topic and summarized your main points.
complete response
Your essay addresses the issues of long working hours and their impact on family and society thoroughly, showing a clear understanding of the topic.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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