IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that computer games are bad for children, while others believe that they are useful. Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of computer games.

#people #computer #games #children
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Computer
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games
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 have become an entertainment activity for all ages, including
children
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. (kurang bridging). The effects depend
onto
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the type of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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games
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 and how
children
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respon
Correct your spelling
respond
 to
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will outline the advantages and disadvantages of
computer
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 game effects
onto
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
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. It is often observed that by playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
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, some of
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 skills can be improved. First of all, the
games
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 will encourage
children
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 to solve the problems. It makes
children
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 enhance not only their
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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,
Add the word(s)
, but
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buteven
Correct your spelling
but even
also
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 their
critical thinking
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critical-thinking
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
Furthermore
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, the problems
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are quite challenging and so competitive. The
children
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 tend
s
Verb problem
apply
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to
be work
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work
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 harder, so they can win it.
For example
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, to win over their rival
on
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in
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 shooting
games
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, they need to think about the strategies which they
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 from the previous game they had lost.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, one of the primary causes of
computer
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games
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 is
children
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 could become addicted to it. They can spend
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
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 of their time
in
Change preposition
apply
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playing
games
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, especially when they still
could
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
get
Verb problem
apply
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satisfied. It
also
Linking Words
 may happen if they get fulfilled by the
games
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, so they will crave
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more. Because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
computer
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games
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identical
Add a missing verb
are identical
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with
Change preposition
to
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 online
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
, it will become worse if their online friends bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
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negative impacts.
For instance
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, their friend will shout out bad words when facing any challenge will increase their adrenaline.
This
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 thing will become a habit which they will not use only in
games
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, but
also
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 in their
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
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 friendship. In conclusion, despite the existence of some advantages, I believe those drawbacks are far greater.
However
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, I believe
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 and critical thinking
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 for
children
Use synonyms
 can be improved
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other ways.
Submitted by rasyidrahma13 on

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task achievement
You need to refine the introduction to provide more background information and a clearer thesis statement. Make sure to connect all parts effectively to enhance the coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical errors and sentence structures. Improving your grammar can significantly enhance the clarity of your arguments. Use complex sentences where appropriate for better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a structured framework for your arguments.
task achievement
You have brought up relevant and specific examples to support your claims, which is a great way to bolster your arguments.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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