IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that computer games are bad for children, while others believe that they are useful. Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of computer games.

#people #computer #games #children
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Computer
games
 have become an entertainment activity for all ages, including
children
. (kurang bridging). The effects depend
onto
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the type of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
 and how
children
respon
Correct your spelling
respond
 to
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will outline the advantages and disadvantages of
computer
 game effects
onto
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
. It is often observed that by playing
computer
games
, some of
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 skills can be improved. First of all, the
games
 will encourage
children
 to solve the problems. It makes
children
 enhance not only their
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
buteven
Correct your spelling
but even
also
 their
critical thinking
Add a hyphen
critical-thinking
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
Furthermore
, the problems
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
computer
games
 are quite challenging and so competitive. The
children
 tend
s
Verb problem
apply
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to
be work
Change the verb form
work
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 harder, so they can win it.
For example
, to win over their rival
on
Change preposition
in
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 shooting
games
, they need to think about the strategies which they
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 from the previous game they had lost.
On the other hand
, one of the primary causes of
computer
games
 is
children
 could become addicted to it. They can spend
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 of their time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
games
, especially when they still
could
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
satisfied. It
also
 may happen if they get fulfilled by the
games
, so they will crave
for
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apply
show examples
more. Because
of
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apply
show examples
computer
games
identical
Add a missing verb
are identical
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
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 online
platform
Fix the agreement mistake
platforms
show examples
, it will become worse if their online friends bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative impacts.
For instance
, their friend will shout out bad words when facing any challenge will increase their adrenaline.
This
 thing will become a habit which they will not use only in
games
, but
also
 in their
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 friendship. In conclusion, despite the existence of some advantages, I believe those drawbacks are far greater.
However
, I believe
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 and critical thinking
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 for
children
 can be improved
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other ways.
Submitted by rasyidrahma13 on

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task achievement
You need to refine the introduction to provide more background information and a clearer thesis statement. Make sure to connect all parts effectively to enhance the coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical errors and sentence structures. Improving your grammar can significantly enhance the clarity of your arguments. Use complex sentences where appropriate for better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a structured framework for your arguments.
task achievement
You have brought up relevant and specific examples to support your claims, which is a great way to bolster your arguments.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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