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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

‏For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and math. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as a fourth skill to be added to the list. To what extend do you agree?

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Nowadays using
computer
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 in recent times has increased. It is a highly debatable issue whether
Students
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 need
computer
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skills
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 to be added to their studies, or whether reading, writing and math are enough for them. I agree that
computer
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skills
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 are beneficial and have a good impact on learning.
This
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 essay will outline the importance of using
computers
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. Some people say that
computer
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skills
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 are misconsequently. using
computers
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 can cause many problems.
For instance
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, when
students
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 take a long time to
use
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computers
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, Potentially they will suffer from eye strain and obesity.
As a result
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, their performance in learning decreased.
Moreover
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,
computers
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 are very expensive. Many poor families can't provide
computers
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 to their children. To illustrate, the result of conducted research at Glasgow University that the rate of
students
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 who can't buy a
computer
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 is around 80%.
This
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 may make
Students
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 feel sad. In my opinion, by using
computers
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students
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 can be more intelligent. If
students
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 try to develop their
skills
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 in using
computers
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 like typing and printing, they will probably be able to
use
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computers
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 in the future subtly. So, it can facilitate learning methods.
Furthermore
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, the
computer
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 is considered a new tool that could remove stress and depression
while
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 studying. The physical presence of
computers
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 leads to more motivation.
For example
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, watching videos and using virtual methods make learning more effective.
Therefore
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, engaging
students
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 to
use
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computers
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 can increase their academic level. In conclusion, it is very important to develop student's
skills
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 to add a significant machine like a
computer
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 to their study. I agree that
computers
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 enhance
students
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 to be professional and ready to face the technology change in future. But, their parents should take care and keep on how to
use
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 the
computer
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 probably.
Therefore
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,
computers
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 can't harm people if they
use
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 them well.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you can work on improving the logical structure of your paragraphs. For instance, make sure the arguments flow smoothly from one to the next and that each paragraph builds on the previous one.
task achievement
Aim to provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. For instance, mentioning real-world applications or scenarios where computer skills have proven beneficial could strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to create a complete and well-rounded response.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task response by discussing both sides of the argument and providing your own opinion.
task achievement
The main points in your essay are clear, and you have made an effort to support them with examples.
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