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Band 6.5

‏For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and math. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as a fourth skill to be added to the list. To what extend do you agree?

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Nowadays using
computer
 in recent times has increased. It is a highly debatable issue whether
Students
 need
computer
skills
 to be added to their studies, or whether reading, writing and math are enough for them. I agree that
computer
skills
 are beneficial and have a good impact on learning.
This
 essay will outline the importance of using
computers
. Some people say that
computer
skills
 are misconsequently. using
computers
 can cause many problems.
For instance
, when
students
 take a long time to
use
computers
, Potentially they will suffer from eye strain and obesity.
As a result
, their performance in learning decreased.
Moreover
,
computers
 are very expensive. Many poor families can't provide
computers
 to their children. To illustrate, the result of conducted research at Glasgow University that the rate of
students
 who can't buy a
computer
 is around 80%.
This
 may make
Students
 feel sad. In my opinion, by using
computers
students
 can be more intelligent. If
students
 try to develop their
skills
 in using
computers
 like typing and printing, they will probably be able to
use
computers
 in the future subtly. So, it can facilitate learning methods.
Furthermore
, the
computer
 is considered a new tool that could remove stress and depression
while
 studying. The physical presence of
computers
 leads to more motivation.
For example
, watching videos and using virtual methods make learning more effective.
Therefore
, engaging
students
 to
use
computers
 can increase their academic level. In conclusion, it is very important to develop student's
skills
 to add a significant machine like a
computer
 to their study. I agree that
computers
 enhance
students
 to be professional and ready to face the technology change in future. But, their parents should take care and keep on how to
use
 the
computer
 probably.
Therefore
,
computers
 can't harm people if they
use
 them well.
Submitted by 13570581 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you can work on improving the logical structure of your paragraphs. For instance, make sure the arguments flow smoothly from one to the next and that each paragraph builds on the previous one.
task achievement
Aim to provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. For instance, mentioning real-world applications or scenarios where computer skills have proven beneficial could strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to create a complete and well-rounded response.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task response by discussing both sides of the argument and providing your own opinion.
task achievement
The main points in your essay are clear, and you have made an effort to support them with examples.
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