Some people think that governments should care more about the elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discus both views and give your opinion.
The most pressing problem in most
part
of the world now is the population gap between elder and young Fix the agreement mistake
parts
people
, such
as in Japan. Due to
this
, there are split concensus
going on for the Correct your spelling
consensus
government
which are
whether to invest Correct subject-verb agreement
is
on
increasing the elderly Change preposition
in
care
or quality
of Correct article usage
the quality
education
system for the younger Correct article usage
the education
one
.
In the case of Japan, the overpopulation of Correct pronoun usage
ones
elderly
happened because Correct article usage
the elderly
of
the desire of a couple to produce Change preposition
apply
a
heir is Change the article
an
decreased
day by day, Wrong verb form
decreasing
also
supported by the lowest number of marriage
recorded in the country. Because of Fix the agreement mistake
marriages
this
, the government
focused more on uplifting the quality of elderly care
by building facilities and offering variety
of services in support Add an article
a variety
for
the welfare of aging society. Change preposition
of
This
also
happens as the government
tries to less
the burden for the children, especially those who are in their working age, so they can work effectively without fully worrying about their parents back at home.
Considering that situation, the support to the younger Replace the word
lessen
people
must be maintained as well. If we're talking about the economic situation of a country, then
we will talk about how companies or merchants work to circulate money every day. This
means that the
working age Correct article usage
apply
people
must have plenty of education
received
to flourish in Verb problem
apply
the
society. Higher Correct article usage
apply
education
in
the university level must be upgraded to a certain level, as it Change preposition
at
also
effect
the country's development situation on a bigger scale. Luckily in Japan, most of their universities hold respectable positions in the Verb problem
affects
world ranking
universities, meaning that Add a hyphen
world-ranking
the
Correct article usage
apply
government
support is just as equal as it is to elderly care
.
Based on this
, I believe that government
should take a Correct article usage
the government
balance
step Replace the word
balanced
on
taking Change preposition
in
care
for
its aging society and the younger Change preposition
of
people
. Of course, in the
Correct article usage
apply
term
of Fix the agreement mistake
terms
education
, there should be a pressing matter to be hold
as it is specialized for nurturing the Change the verb form
be held
mind
of the younger generation to be tomorrow's Fix the agreement mistake
minds
leader
. Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
Education
in ethics also
should be increased as well, so probably there will be a time where
Correct word choice
when
the
young Correct article usage
apply
people
plan to take care
of their elderly as a regard for taking care
of their life
.Fix the agreement mistake
lives
Submitted by annisaseptidwiyanti on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Try to refine the introduction to make it clearer and more concise. A well-defined introduction sets the tone for the rest of the essay.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples or data to back up your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and improve your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to improve the flow of your essay. This can be achieved by using linking phrases and logical connectors.
coherence cohesion
Check for any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing to improve the overall readability of your essay. This will enhance both task achievement and coherence/cohesion.
task achievement
You’ve made a good attempt at discussing both views, and that's commendable. You’ve also provided your opinion and justification, which is key to a well-rounded essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and ties the essay together.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.