IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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The global
Correct article usage
Global
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sugar
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 consumption has significantly surged over the past few years,
consequently
Linking Words
, leading to an increase in health problems. To mitigate
this
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 issue, many people
advodate
Correct your spelling
advocate
 that drinks and food
products
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 that contain high
sugar
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 levels should be made more expensive. I strongly concur with the suggestion as I believe that high costs would discourage people from buying
such
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products
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. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years, we have observed an increase in
snacking
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the snacking
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 culture leading to various health problems. Empirical evidence from various studies proves that diseases
such
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 as obesity and diabetes have substantially increased,
furthermore
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, the statistics show that the main cause of
this
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 rise is poor eating habits and
Correct article usage
a sedantary
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sedantary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle. To overcome
this
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 challenge, reducing
sugar
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 intake is paramount, and the most effective way to do so is to make it less easily available by increasing the
prices
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. Increasing
prices
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 will make these
products
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 less affordable, decreasing consumption.
However
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, high
prices
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 alone would not be efficient, the introduction of low-
sugar
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 alternatives at lower
prices
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 is
also
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 necessary.
For instance
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, the
Coco-Cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
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 company introduced Diet
Coke
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, but it was a little more expensive than regular
Coke
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, so the majority of individuals preferred to continue drinking regular
Coke
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 as it was cost-effective. A survey was done, and the conclusion suggested that if
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Diet
Coke
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 was cheaper, more consumers would be motivated to purchase it. In conclusion, there is a dire need to bring some changes to control global
sugar
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 consumption, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health problems are skyrocketing. The most important step is to make the
products
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 with
high-
Correct your spelling
high sugar
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sugar
Use synonyms
 levels less affordable to the general public, so they have to think twice before purchasing them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, introducing healthier
products
Use synonyms
 at cheaper
prices
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 would encourage people to make better choices.

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task achievement
While the essay offers a solid response to the prompt, ensure that each main point is elaborated with more specific details and perhaps additional examples or evidence. This will strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is generally well-structured, strive for slightly smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the readability and flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the tone, clearly stating your position on the topic. The conclusion also succinctly wraps up your arguments, reinforcing your viewpoint.
task achievement
The use of empirical evidence, such as the mention of studies linking sugar consumption to health problems, strengthens the credibility of your points. Including realistic examples like the case of Diet Coke makes your argument more tangible.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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