IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think exposure to modern technology at an earlier age is good for children, while others claim that it is harmful to their development. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #exposure #technology #age #children #development
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Nowadays, modern technologies
such
Linking Words
 as phones, tablets, or computers are accessible to almost everyone, even babies and
children
Use synonyms
. Ever since the increasing popularity of those devices, it has become inevitable that people start to develop many functions that can help them get through their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
In
Change preposition
For
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 example
of
Change preposition
in
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a
Remove the article
apply
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motherhood, one starts to use a phone or a tablet as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 playmate for the
children
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. Exposing those devices to young
children
Use synonyms
 might be beneficial in several aspects.
First,
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the development of the brain through various inducing activities in
form
Correct article usage
the form
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 of mobile games can be helpful to increase their way of thinking.
Secondly
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,
early
Correct article usage
the early
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 introduction of technologies may nurture anyone to have a special talent in the world of technology. With that being said, it is mainly the reason why it is popular now to introduce
a
Correct article usage
apply
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"screen
time
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" to
children
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 in a household.
Parents
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 can work on their job
while
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 their child is having the "screen
time
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" to make up for a playmate.
However
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, these conditions can lead to attachment issues that are bound to happen if the
parents
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 can not make any boundaries between the technology and the
children
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. The
children
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 might choose to
have
Verb problem
spend
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time
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 with their devices most of the day
than
Rephrase
rather than
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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play with their
parents
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.
This
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 will lead to a bigger concern, affecting several aspects
such
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 as the relationship between the
children
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 and the
parents
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,
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 as it is scientifically proven that the light
radiates
Wrong verb form
radiating
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 from the screen can disturb the eyes.
That is
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 why it is important to restrict the
time
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 that your
children
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 will have with any device. If you choose not to give any device to your babies is considerably rightful, but only if you can find and make up other brain-inducing games.
Submitted by annisaseptidwiyanti on

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the main points you will discuss in your essay. This helps set the stage for the reader and provides a clear direction for your argument.
task achievement
While you have provided a clear response to the task, consider strengthening your arguments with more specific examples or studies. This can help to illustrate your points more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Work on maintaining a balanced discussion by ensuring that each point is equally developed and supported. This can help improve the overall cohesiveness of your essay.
task achievement
You have effectively discussed both sides of the argument, which shows your ability to provide a comprehensive response to the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay flows logically from one point to the next, making it easy for the reader to follow your train of thought.
task achievement
The inclusion of an example regarding the use of devices as playmates for children adds a practical dimension to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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