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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Sending criminals to prison is not the best method of dealing with them. Education and job training are better ways tohelp them. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is suggested that giving
criminals
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 education and vocational training is a more effective strategy to help them than putting them in jail for their crimes.
This
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 essay wholeheartedly concurs with
this
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 assertion for the reasons listed below.
First,
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putting
criminals
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 behind bars might not be the best solution in the long term and could negatively impact the offender's life down the road.
This
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 is
due to
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 the possibility that
criminals
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 may not have known what they had done; in certain situations, especially when the offenders are younger than eighteen, the crime may have been the result of unconscious activities. If the offender is only a teenager, it would be unjust to put them in jail because they are too young to understand the consequences of their acts.
Furthermore
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, incarcerated individuals lose a portion of their lives when serving lengthy sentences, which may lead to a loss of vital life skills necessary for employment in the future. Education and job training are more effective approaches to address the issue than locking up
criminals
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.
In other words
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, some
criminals
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 act violently without realizing that their acts could cause fatalities or severe injuries.
For
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this
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 reason, teenage murderers in the UK are given new identities and undergo rehabilitation in order to enable them to have normal lives outside of prison.
This
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 school of thought is better since it guarantees that
criminals
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 will not commit major crimes again and aids in their rehabilitation. In conclusion, I firmly feel that dealing with
criminals
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 through education and job training is always the best course of action
,
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apply
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 and that putting them in jail is not the best option.

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from more elaboration on the specific ways education and job training can help criminals reintegrate into society.
task achievement
Using real-life examples or statistical data can strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
coherence cohesion
There is a little redundancy in the phrasing that can be smoothed out for better flow; for instance, avoid repeating similar points about age and non-awareness.
coherence cohesion
Ensure paragraphs are fully developed with clear topic sentences and supporting sentences. Some sections could expand on examples and details.
task achievement
You have a clear and strong position throughout the essay, which is very important for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a logical introduction, body, and conclusion, aiding coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between ideas are smooth, helping the reader easily follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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