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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below Shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant

The graph below Shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant
#shops #country #information #features #comparison
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The line graph above illustrates the total number of convenience stores that closed and opened from 2011 to 2018 in a country.
Overall
Linking Words
 it can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 both
line
Change to a plural noun
lines
show examples
 represent a fluctuation phenomenon from time to time but with different trends. First of all, in 2011, the number of
shops
Use synonyms
 that closed
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 6300. After that, the amount
was decrease
Change the verb form
was decreased
show examples
 to 6000
shops
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, hit
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak at 7100, in 2013. Afterwards, the trend of
shops
Use synonyms
 that closed smoothly down to 6800. In 2015, the
Use synonyms
shops
Correct quantifier usage
number of shops
show examples
 that decided to
closed
Change the verb
close
show examples
 significantly
drop
Wrong verb form
dropped
show examples
 to below 1000, which
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
hit the bottom.
However
Linking Words
, the number sharply
jump
Wrong verb form
jumped
show examples
 to 5100, in 2016.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, slightly fall to 5000 but upward again in different years.
Besides
Linking Words
, in
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 2011, the total
Use synonyms
shops
Correct quantifier usage
number of shops
show examples
 that opened
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 really big, which were 8500.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, a massive slump
was happened
Change to the active voice
happened
show examples
 in 2012. Later, constantly up until 2014.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, the convenience stores that opened steadily
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 and
stagnant
Correct your spelling
stagnated
show examples
 in 2016. In 2017, the
shops
Use synonyms
 rose again and
climb
Wrong verb form
climbed
show examples
 down in 2018.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words shops with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • number
  • shops
  • closed
  • opened
  • country
  • 2011
  • 2018
  • trend
  • downward trend
  • significantly
  • higher
  • steady decrease
  • relatively stable
  • reached
  • lowest point
  • slightly increased
  • gradual increase
  • surpassed
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