Detailed describtion of crimes on newspaper and TV can have bad consequences on society, so this kind of information should be banned in the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that nowadays social media share details of crimes.
While
it is a commonly held
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
tha
Correct your spelling
that
sharing details
describe
Wrong verb form
describing
show examples
what happened in crimes on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV or in
newspaper
Add an article
a newspaper
the newspaper
show examples
can have harmful outcomes for communities, there is
also
an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that
this
kind of
news
must be barred by
news
organizations.
To begin
with, these kinds of
news
have a direct impact on children, especially on their health, both mental and physical.
In other words
, they will
influence
Wrong verb form
be influenced
show examples
negatively in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
,
such
as going out to school or playing in public facilities like gardens,
also
, supermarkets, feeling scared and insecure will be exhausting for them.
In addition
, kids naturally think of
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
every feeling and action to know what will happen.
For example
,
according to
Change preposition
in
show examples
a study made in Japan in 2022, says that when
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
murder crimes, explored on TV or YouTube, 70% of viewers were under 13 years
, which
Correct word choice
old, which
show examples
may
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
them experience the same details
on
Change preposition
as
show examples
their young siblings or pets. Another point to consider, the government should increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness among
people
by doing lessons or visiting
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
to observe the actions of the students. It is
also
possible to say that
people
should treat each other kindly and help
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
help, to limit
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
wrong
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
Moreover
, authorities must cooperate with society to report
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anyone who
publish
Correct subject-verb agreement
publishes
show examples
these information
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
to the public.
For instance
, if the government would reward prices to
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
reports
Correct subject-verb agreement
report
show examples
, that
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
make the
people
more aware of these bad actions. In conclusion, despite
people
having different views, I believe that
this
sensitive information must be banned from the
news
.
Submitted by ahadaloufi3a on

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your essay more clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and flow logically to the next. Focus on having one main idea per paragraph to increase the coherence of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction sets the stage for the rest of your essay, and that your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively. Both should be more fully developed.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and comprehensive.
task achievement
Work on expanding your ideas more clearly and comprehensively to fully address all parts of the task prompt.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the topic, which is good for your task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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