IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the only purpose of work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Introduction
These days, people believe that the main reason that the public
works
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 hard is that they want to have a good income. In my opinion, earning a great deal of money is the one cause of hard work;
moreover
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, another objective is that they can upgrade their situations and skills.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, money is an important factor that helps people enjoy from high quality of
life
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;
as a result
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, the population
works
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 a lot to grow their income to provide the basic necessities to have a good
life
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.
In other words
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, when people work hard, they become rich and have the ability to buy a range of
life
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 amenities. To illustrate, the rich have a good
life
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;
however
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, they invest a lot of time in their office.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, when the community
works
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 hard and spends a great deal of time on the sections that are related to their careers, their skills will grow. In fact, they can become the best-skilled workforce who can do several
works
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 with high quality and accuracy;
additionally
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, they might innovate new goods that change industries across the world.
Consequently
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, these kinds of employees are able to career promotions in their jobs and are satisfied with themselves for having a positive impact on the world.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, in my view, employees working hard for some reason
such
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 as earning a lot of money is an essential element for providing the best lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, working hard has a positive influence on enhancing the skills of career and changing the industries around the world to the best situation.

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coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, try to ensure that each point you make is supported by clear examples. This will help create a stronger connection between your ideas and the examples provided.
task achievement
Your essay could benefit from more specific examples to illustrate your points, particularly in the paragraphs discussing money and skill development.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion around the topic.
task achievement
You address the task statement clearly, stating your opinion and exploring both viewpoints regarding why people work hard.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal fulfillment
  • professional growth
  • acquiring new skills
  • value in the job market
  • passion and interest
  • joy and purpose
  • social impact
  • make a difference in society
  • contribute to their community
  • positive impact on the world
  • recognition and status
  • accolades
  • prestigious reputation
  • sense of accomplishment
  • challenge themselves
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