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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Some would argue that
it’s
Use synonyms
 better for
boys
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 and
girls
Use synonyms
 to
study
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 in different
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others claim that more
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for children to get an education in
mixed
Add an article
a mixed
show examples
school
Use synonyms
. I believe that
it’s
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 good for
girls
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 and
boys
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 to be in mixed
school
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 as
Use synonyms
it’s
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to be more social,
although
Linking Words
 in separate schools
Use synonyms
it’s
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 may make them
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more
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focus
Replace the word
focused
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
studies
Use synonyms
.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
let
Wrong verb form
letting
show examples
girls
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 and
boys
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study
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 in mixed
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 would be
benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 for them as it makes them more social, and have more relationships that will help them in the future.
Be
Wrong verb form
Being
show examples
 in mixed schools
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to deal
polity
Change preposition
with polity
show examples
 with
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
, as
it’s
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important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
Use synonyms
skills
Fix the agreement mistake
skill
show examples
 to learn
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
childhool
Correct your spelling
childhood
.
For example
Linking Words
,
boys
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 who
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 in mixed
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 show more respect to
Add an article
the girl
a girl
show examples
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
show examples
 and deal polity with them,
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, I firmly support
to let
Change the verb form
letting
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 and
boys
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to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
get
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
 in mixed
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 to help them to have good social
skills
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.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when children attend separate schools, it will make
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
focus
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 on their
studies
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, as there’s no opposite sex to deal with. They will spend more time on
study
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 than spend time on relationships.
For instance
Linking Words
, I
finish
Wrong verb form
finished
show examples
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 in
separate
Add an article
a separate
show examples
school
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, and I
was
Change the verb form
was focused
was focusing
show examples
focus
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 on my
studies
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 and
try
Wrong verb form
tried
show examples
 to have a high
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in my
exam
Fix the agreement mistake
exams
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
it’s
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 good for
girls
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 and
boys
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 to
focus
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
but
Correct word choice
and
show examples
also
Linking Words
 let them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
improve their social
skills
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
to let
Change the verb form
letting
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 and
boys
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study
Use synonyms
 in separate
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 will make them
focus
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
studies
Use synonyms
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it will be more
benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 for
girls
Use synonyms
 and
boys
Use synonyms
 to
study
Use synonyms
 in mixed
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
, to improve their social
skills
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
In the argument for mixed schools, adding more specific examples or studies which show benefits of mixed schooling can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Consider addressing counterarguments more thoroughly in each paragraph to showcase a deeper understanding of both perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammatical errors to ensure clarity. For instance, 'it’s may make them be more focus in their studies,' could be corrected to 'it might help them to focus more on their studies.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. The transition from discussing mixed schools to separate schools can be made more seamless.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas. You mentioned improving social skills in both the introduction and body, instead, focus on expanding different aspects of the argument.
task achievement
The essay discusses both viewpoints with a clear stand on the preferred opinion, demonstrating a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a frame for the essay, reflecting the necessary structure for coherence.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • co-education
  • gender segregation
  • peer pressure
  • academic performance
  • gender stereotypes
  • discrimination
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
  • diversity
What to do next:
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