IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In this technological personal information of all kinds is held on computer by different companies and organization in many countries. Do the advantages of this development out weigh the disadvantages?

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In the technological world, it is common for government and private institutions to store
data
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 including personal
data
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 in
computers
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instead
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 of having it on physical files.
This
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 practice has benefits and drawbacks.
This
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 essay will argue that the advantages of
this
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 outweigh its disadvantages. Saving personal
data
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 in storage devices helps to keep the
data
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 for a longer period of time.
This
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 is possible as the
data
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 in the computer will not fade over a period of time, unlike the ink on paper.
Also
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, natural disasters
such
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 as flooding and forest fires cannot take away the
data
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.
Further
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, retrieving and analyzing
data
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 stored in
computers
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 is way easier compared with
data
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 stored on paper.
Data
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 stored in
computers
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 are analyzed and used to make decisions in businesses in a very short period of time.
However
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, there are disadvantages associated with
this
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 as well. Personal
information
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 stored in
computers
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 is prone to cybercrime. Cybercriminals hack personal
information
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 and use it for illegal activities
such
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 as smuggling and stealing money from bank accounts. The other disadvantage is it heavily depends on technology.
Therefore
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, internet failure or power cuts can make the
data
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 storing process difficult.
For example
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, recently, an internet failure at Microsoft paralyzed airport systems around the world
due to
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 inaccessible
information
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. In conclusion, though factors including cybercrime and uncertainty of the technology are threats to storing personal
information
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 in
computers
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, strong safety measures can be applied
while
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 storing the
data
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 in
computers
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.
Therefore
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, I would argue that the pros of storing
data
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 on
computers
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 outweigh its cons.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work more on the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next.
task achievement
For a complete task response, include more examples and evidence to back up each point you make. This will support your arguments better and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas by including more specific information and elaborations. This will showcase a deeper understanding and enhance the sophistication of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps in understanding the argument.
supported main points
Main points are relevant to the topic and generally well-supported.
complete response
The essay effectively presents both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced approach to the argument.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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