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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In the present era, children have fewer responsibilities than in the past. Some people consider this as a positive development, others see it as a negative trend. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#era #children #responsibilities #people #development #trend
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In
this
 modern world,some masses believe that
children
 having fewer responsibilities than in past is a positive development
while
 others see it as a negative trend.we are discussing both views in the coming paragraph.In my opinion, having some management allows
children
 to focus on their education and personal development.
Firstly
,the positive aspect is that with fewer duties,
children
 have more time for recreational activities,which contributes to their physical and mental well-being.To elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,learning time and money management helps
children
 to build a good future so that when they reach old age they enjoy their
life
 without burdens .
For example
,
according to
 a survey by Time magazine
kids
Add a comma
kids,
show examples
 these days are more smarter and successful than kids in
Correct article usage
the 90's
show examples
90's
Fix apostrophe usage
'90s
show examples
.
Thus
 it is a positive growth for toddlers to have some rules. on the other side,the negative aspect is that it can lead to a lack of
life
 skills and a sense of entitlement,which may hinder
children
 when they face real-world challenges.To explicate it,putting the burden on youngsters at an early stage harms their mental level which leads to suicide or many illnesses.
For instance
,the reports conducted by Oxford University reveal that 8000 toddlers every year suicide
due to
 stress.
Thus
,it is very important to let
younster
Correct your spelling
youngster
youngsters
 live their
life
stress free
Add a hyphen
stress-free
show examples
. In conclusion , having some pressure on
children
 is important for their growth
moreover
 they need to enjoy
life
 too without any mental trauma.In my opinion, it is a positive trend as it allows them to focus on their education and personal development.
Submitted by dilpreetsingh7049 on

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coherence cohesion
You need to work on your coherence and cohesion. Try to use more linking words and ensure smoother transitions between your points. This will make your essay's logical structure stronger.
task achievement
Some of your ideas lack clarity. For example, the connection between time and money management and children enjoying their old age isn’t immediately clear. Strengthening these connections can improve your essay's clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples and facts to back up your points. This will enhance the credibility and relevance of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is vital for good structure.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is crucial for a balanced discussion essay.
task achievement
You included some specific examples, which is good for supporting your main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibilities
  • personal development
  • well-rounded
  • physical and mental well-being
  • life skills
  • sense of entitlement
  • real-world challenges
  • sense of independence
  • overly dependent
  • stress-free childhood
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