IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that the government should spend more money putting in more works of art like paintings and statues in cities to make them better places to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #money #works #art #paintings #statues #cities #places
In recent years, several places have been developed into
art
 cities. Personally, I completely agree
with
Change preposition
that
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government
Correct article usage
the government
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 should spend budgets for supporting arts; there are two major reasons, and they will
be illustrates
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be illustrated
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 in the following paragraphs: First and foremost, arts give inspiration to people
that
Correct word choice
and
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 make them create new pieces of work. When people walk around the
creative’s
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creative
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 areas, they will be given motivation to inspire the idea of their work.
For instance
, photographers often employ the Statue of Liberty to take their
masterpiece
Fix the agreement mistake
masterpieces
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 for
the
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apply
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magazines
that
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apply
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make
Wrong verb form
making
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 them create a new product of
art
.
Moreover
, it provides opportunities
of
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for
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 occupation to
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
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. If plenty of artists have an income from their works, it will develop a positive attitude toward the younger generation to the artist career.
As a result
, they will have the courage to dream of becoming an artist and make an effort to pursue their dreams.
Secondly
, works of
art
 develop the identity of places that encourage the tourist industry. If artists are allowed to entire the spaces, they are capable of creating
the
Correct article usage
apply
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local
art
–showing the identity of culture. That provides new experiences to travellers, and develops a positive impression on them;
in addition
, it improves the quality of local people because they are able to create new careers to support tourists.
For example
, the road of arts in Penang city,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is the destination of explorers who visit Malaysia,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 develops new occupations to local areas
such
 as hotels, local restaurants, and others. As I mentioned, there are plenty of advantages provided by the
art’s
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art
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 city. Especially people’s perspective and signature of tourist attractions.
Therefore
, the government should spend more money on enhancing the place of
art
.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

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coherence
Your essay could benefit from clearer and more organized argumentation. While you have some strong points, the logical connections between them could be improved. In your first main paragraph, the connection between art providing inspiration and its impact on people's work could be elaborated more.
language
There were some slight grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affected the clarity of your arguments. For instance, 'government should spend budgets for supporting arts’ should be 'the government should allocate budgets to support the arts.' Moreover, 'it will develop a positive attitude toward the younger generation to the artist career' is a bit awkward. Consider rephrasing to 'it will encourage the younger generation to view an artistic career positively.'
task response
Try to incorporate more diverse and detailed examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and relatable. Examples from different areas and the impact of art on different societal aspects would be beneficial.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well. You clearly state your agreement with the statement, and this provides a good structure for the rest of the essay.
ideas
You provide a variety of reasons supporting your agreement, touching on inspiration, new job opportunities, cultural identity, and tourism. This demonstrates that you have thought deeply about the prompt.
examples
Your use of specific examples, such as the Statue of Liberty and the road of arts in Penang city, adds credibility to your essay and helps illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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