IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The most important aim fshould be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#aim #fshould #people #lives
With the advancement of technologies, some suggest that improving the well-being of humankind should be the first priority for
science
Replace the word
scientific
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innovation
. I strongly agree with
this
 notion. In
this
 essay, the reasons behind my support and possible examples will be described in detail.
To begin
 with,
while
 scientific
innovation
 and advancement can change our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in many positive ways, it can have a serious negative impact on human
life
.
For example
, Albert Einstein, the greatest scientist, who had inspired many people, was once involved in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
deadly weapons, which were used in the
world war
Correct your spelling
World War
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, killing a million of
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Many scientific methods and processes created
such
 negative effects on environments and humans, by using environmental resources
such
 as
woods
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wood
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 from
forest
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forests
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 and coal from destroyed mountains.
Additionally
, its waste products pollute air and water, which significantly affects animals and individuals.
For instance
, accidents in nuclear power plants like
Chernobyl
Correct the spelling
Chornobyl
show examples
 severely pollute nearby areas with hazardous radiation.
However
, scientific
innovation
 can improve our well-being and plays an important role in daily
life
, providing convenience and safety for everyone.
For example
, a self-driving car from
microchips
Fix the agreement mistake
microchip
show examples
innovation
, resulting in the decline of accidental events, many medical technologies including robotic surgery, advanced medications and many medical tools can save an abundance of human lives. In conclusion, with the appropriate aim of human well-being for scientific growth, it can provide the greatest benefits for humankind and improve our daily
life
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lives
show examples
such
 as advanced medication, less
complication
Replace the word
complicated
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 surgery,
more safety
Correct word choice
safer
show examples
 driving, and
lessen
Wrong verb form
lessening
show examples
 any serious drawbacks.
Therefore
, the government should be responsible for scientific advancement, ensuring citizens
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a better
life
 in the future.
Submitted by sippakorn.wet on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue. However, while the examples provided are relevant, they can be expanded upon. Including a few more specific and varied examples will strengthen your argument even further.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are well-organized, using transition words and phrases more consistently will improve the flow of your essay. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your line of thought.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing in some parts of the essay. Proofreading your work and paying attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage will polish your writing.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which bookends your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay contains logical arguments and relevant examples, like the reference to Einstein and Chernobyl, which strongly support your point of view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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