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Band 5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this isa positive or a negative development

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #isa #development
Nowadays, many
people
 are moving to
cities
 from rural areas,
consequently
 , the population is decreasing in rural areas. These
phenomenon
Change the determiner
phenomena
show examples
 have both positive and negative impacts , I firmly believe that they cause more drawbacks than advantages. On the one hand , when
people
 move
cities
 that gradually enhances the
people
's life range. To be more precise, when
people
 are habitat in
cities
, they are likely to get more opportunities than where they lived before.
For instance
, education and health
care
 facilities are top-notch levels in
cities
 compared to the village
side
 ,
therefore
people
 who
are coming
Wrong verb form
come
show examples
 from rural areas tend to get a better lifestyle.
Furthermore
, engaging various talented
people
 which is positively impacts
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the company's and the
governments'
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 developments. If
country
Correct your spelling
countryside
show examples
side
people
 get a chance to represent the higher positions they would make decisions favourable
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 all
people
.
On the other hand
,
dropping
Correct article usage
the dropping
show examples
 population have several detrimental effects
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
on village
people
.
Firstly
, poor
people
 who live in
village
Fix the agreement mistake
villages
show examples
 likely face challenges
to get
Change preposition
in getting
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 facilities
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of experts.
For instance
, nowadays , doctors are found
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working in
cities
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
due to
 the bears they bring from city life,
thus
effect
Verb problem
affecting
show examples
 the poor
people
 ,
they
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 do not have enough money to get good
care
.
As a result
, their life would be endangered.
Moreover
,
country
 sides are become exacerbate
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
.
In other words
, when
people
 are moving in
cities
 , the government tend to execute all development projects towards the
cities
 that are likely to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
people
live
Correct pronoun usage
who live
show examples
 rural
side
 financially
as well as
 mentally.
For instance
, if government avoid financial
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
 for
country
Correct your spelling
countryside
show examples
side
people
, they even struggle to fulfil their essential needs
also
such
 as food, accommodation and water.
To conclude
,
falling
Add an article
the falling
show examples
 population
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
country
side
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 both pros and cons . Even though, which phenomenon has brought some positive aspects , I believe,
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 impacts are more than the positive
side
 since have
health
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
care
 issues and financial struggles.
Submitted by jivenica1998 on

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task response
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as verb tense agreement and sentence structure. For example, 'To be more precise, when people are habitat in cities' should be 'To be more precise, when people habitate in cities’ or 'live in cities.'
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, work on linking ideas more effectively using connectors like 'moreover', 'on the other hand', and 'furthermore'. This would make the essay flow more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph consistently focuses on one main idea to enhance clarity. This makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task response
The essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of rural to urban migration, showing a balanced understanding of the issue.
task response
You’ve included concrete examples, such as the effect on healthcare and financial struggles, which help to understand your points better.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument effectively.

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