IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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bar chart presents
the
Correct article usage
apply
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information about Australian employees
last
Linking Words
 year, breaking down
with
Change preposition
into
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 two different aspects; sex and job type, indicated as percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of workers were primarily men,
whereas
Linking Words
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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of
Change preposition
apply
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some
works
Replace the word
workers
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such
Linking Words
 as professionals and clerical
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 were replaced by women.
However
Linking Words
, it is interesting to note that Australian
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 predominantly worked as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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clerk
Fix the agreement mistake
clerks
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 in the previous year.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a closer look
from
Change preposition
at
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 the chart
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
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 that men accounted for
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
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 above 50% on average except
in
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apply
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laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
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 at 40%. Meanwhile, the figures
of
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for
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females counterpart
Fix the agreement mistake
female counterparts
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 were generally lower than 50%, excluding those who worked in professional and clerical at 70% and 98%,respectively.
Additionally
Linking Words
, only female clerks and professional
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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outnumbered
males
Change the noun form
male
show examples
 figures and possessed the fewest gap between
two
Correct article usage
the two
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gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
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. In regards to types of work, clerical jobs
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the highest number among all other jobs. It is noticeable that the white collar groups seem to be preferred by Australian
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 over that
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
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 with a number of greater than 800,000
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 in total
while
Linking Words
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 roughly about 700,000 persons.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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