IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year
The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bar chart presents
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information about Australian employees
last
 year, breaking down
with
Change preposition
into
show examples
 two different aspects; sex and job type, indicated as percentages.
Overall
, it can be clearly observed that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of workers were primarily men,
whereas
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some
works
Replace the word
workers
show examples
such
 as professionals and clerical
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 were replaced by women.
However
, it is interesting to note that Australian
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 predominantly worked as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clerk
Fix the agreement mistake
clerks
show examples
 in the previous year.
To begin
 with, a closer look
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the chart
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 that men accounted for
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
 above 50% on average except
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
 at 40%. Meanwhile, the figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
females counterpart
Fix the agreement mistake
female counterparts
show examples
 were generally lower than 50%, excluding those who worked in professional and clerical at 70% and 98%,respectively.
Additionally
, only female clerks and professional
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
outnumbered
males
Change the noun form
male
show examples
 figures and possessed the fewest gap between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
. In regards to types of work, clerical jobs
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the highest number among all other jobs. It is noticeable that the white collar groups seem to be preferred by Australian
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 over that
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
 with a number of greater than 800,000
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in total
while
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 roughly about 700,000 persons.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: