IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

2. “In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?”

#“in #countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
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In the contemporary world, many
people
Use synonyms
 have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
weight
Use synonyms
 than in the past,
however
Linking Words
, the decline
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 health and fitness is considered.
This
Linking Words
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 mention the main reasons why these issues and take the method to tackle them. Admittedly,There are some rational reasons for eating fast food and sitting on a screen for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 first rationale is that many
people
Use synonyms
 use excessive consumption of high-fat food or sugary drinks which is one of the main factors causing increased
weight
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these types of products could make individuals more tired and lack energy, especially to participate in physical exercise.
In addition
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who spend plenty of
time
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sitting on a screen to work or study is about more than 6 hours a day.
As a result
Linking Words
, It causes
people
Use synonyms
 to exercise less, which is directly related to growing the average
weight
Use synonyms
. There are some approaches to deal with it by taxing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
calorie-dense foods and sitting for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the government should implement a tax increase on unhealthy products to reduce the number of
people
Use synonyms
 with higher
weight
Use synonyms
, or even the obesity crisis.
For instance
Linking Words
, In 2014,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Mexico’s government succeeded
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 reducing the proportion of obese
people
Use synonyms
 by taxing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sugary drinks or junk foods.
Secondly
Linking Words
, The company should encourage their employees to have break
time
Use synonyms
 to do exercise which helps reduce a sedentary lifestyle.
Moreover
Linking Words
, They should hold many sports activities or competitions to avoid obesity which can enhance their
officer’s
Change noun form
officers’
show examples
 productivity. In conclusion, with growing obese
people
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is because they consume
excessive
Change the word
excessively
show examples
 fattening food and sit for a long
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, to tackle these issues , the government and companies should implement it to solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 more comprehensively.
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task achievement
The introduction provides a clear outline of the issues to be discussed, but it would be more effective if you state explicitly what the main causes and measures are.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point and is linked to the next with clear transitions. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
While the examples provided are relevant, expanding on them with additional details and tying them back to the main points would make the essay more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious with grammatical errors, such as capitalizations and verb tense agreement, to strengthen the overall clarity of your writing.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the main issues and provides a well-rounded discussion on both causes and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear stance on the issues discussed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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