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Band 4

In some countries, young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies. What do you think are the causes of this?

#countries #people #leisure #time #pressure #work #studies
One
 of today's most controversial issues relates to the lack of youngsters' spare time. The importance of rest is well-known to everyone.
However
, nowadays society often tends to anticipate high results and hard work from students, stressing them out.
One
 of the main aspects of the problem is that students, apparently, fear to disappoint their relatives when studying.
One
 of the main reasons behind
that is
 that
people
 usually associate failure in education with
failuring
Correct your spelling
a failing
 career in the future.
Therefore
, they require
diligency
Correct your spelling
diligence
 and absolute dedication to
learning
Correct article usage
the learning
show examples
 process from young learners, since, they believe,
this
 is
Add an article
a guarantee
the guarantee
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guarantee
Wrong verb form
guaranteed
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to
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apply
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successful
Add an article
a successful
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 experience.
This
 could lead to serious mental problems,
such
 as depression, or might result in worsening relationships with parent figures. To tackle
this
 problem
people
 should decrease the stress level of those who study hard without any breaks.
One
 of the best ways to do
this
 is to encourage pupils to pay attention to their health, whether it is mental or physical well-being. That way
people
 will be taught to not endure their studies only to please their environment. Having weighed everything mentioned up, we can come to a conclusion that the solution
of
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to
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 the problem is simple, despite how crucial that issue is. So it would not be surprising to see some changes
is
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in
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people
's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 in the near future. Actions must be taken urgently,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 countries will face unpleasant consequences.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the topic and provides some insights into the causes, it would benefit greatly from further development of ideas and offering more specific examples. Consider elaborating on the points made and providing concrete examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Although the essay has a logical structure, some connections between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly stated, which give the essay a good framework.
task achievement
The essay discusses a relevant and interesting issue, and it clearly identifies a cause for young people's lack of leisure time.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • high expectations
  • academic success
  • future success
  • competitive nature
  • modern education systems
  • top grades
  • prestigious universities
  • high-paying jobs
  • rise of technology
  • social media platforms
  • physical activities
  • relaxation
  • extracurricular demands
  • multiple responsibilities
  • economic factors
  • lower-income families
  • part-time jobs
  • academic pressures
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