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Band 6.5

It is important for everyone including young people, to save money for their future. What extant do you agree or disagree with tihs statement?

#people #money #future #tihs
Saving
money
 is a vital matter for financial security for all ages.
Although
 it is hard to prioritise saving
money
 , especially at a young age,
this
 provides a lot of opportunities from emergencies to long-term advantages. Personally, I completely agree that saving
money
 is important for both young and
adults
 for
future
 plans.
This
 essay demonstrates
firstly
 the significance of accumulating wealth for youngs followed by an analysis of the importance of
this
 approach to
money
 for
adults
.
To begin
 with, additional budget plays main role in youngs'
future
 success.
In other words
, accumulating wealth offers young financial flexibility for both academic paths and any skills development which they
facilitate
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitates
show examples
future
 career paths.
For example
, student load credits burden many families' budgets and
thus
, the young need to find part-time work and continue their studies at the same time.
However
, by saving
money
 students can focus on their studies more easily or have the possibility of taking courses and improving their soft skills which is paramount for occupying higher positions in the labour market.
Moreover
, saving
money
 provides financial security for
adults
 in very different situations.
For instance
, everyone may face job loss
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and unexpected expenses
such
 as medical bills and other emergencies. There are
also
 long-term goals like purchasing a home, starting a business or funding retirement which all of them demand additional budget. Because of
this
, saving
money
 has undoubted significance for
adults
'
future
 goals. In conclusion, by accumulating wealth individuals can achieve more easily to their long-term aims. I support that people benefit from
this
 approach to
money
 noticeably in all ages.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline the main points you will discuss in the essay.
task achievement
Pay attention to some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more defined topic sentences for each paragraph to clearly convey the main idea you will discuss.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples that clearly support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a solid introduction and conclusion that frames your argument well.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured logically with clear and concise arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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