IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this case ? Do you think is a positive or negative dvelopment?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #dvelopment
Currently , many
children
 spend most of their daily
time
 on
phones
. The reasons for
thise
Correct your spelling
this
these
 are mainly explained by the development of technology and
dependence
Correct article usage
the dependence
show examples
 of modern life on digital devices.
Children
 play games watch videos or communicate with friends on social media on their
phones
. There
ara
Correct your spelling
are
show examples
 several positive and negative
divelopment
Correct your spelling
development
developments
 to
this
 situation. First ,the positive
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
show examples
 of
children
's extensive use of
phones
, technology can help
children
 learn new things.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 through educational programs and educational videos ,
children
 can expand their knowledge, learn new languages or solve
coplex
Correct your spelling
complex
 problems .
Also
 ,the phone opens
children
 to the world, allowing them to
quicly
Correct your spelling
quickly
 learn about new cultures and events .
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
children
 can watch
intresting
Correct your spelling
interesting
 scientific or educational content through
You Tube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 or other platforms.
However
,
children
 spending a lot of
time
 on
phones
 can
also
hare
Correct your spelling
have
show examples
 negative consequences. First staring at a phone
sceen
Correct your spelling
screen
scene
 for a long
time
 can cause eye problems and
also
 lead to reduced physical activity . Many
children
 neglect exercise by playing games on their
phones
 or spending
time
social
Change preposition
on social
show examples
 media which
negative
Change the adjective
negatively
show examples
 affects their
halth
Correct your spelling
health
. In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
children
 spend a lot of
time
 on
phones
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
due to
 the fact that technology has penetrated deeply into
every day
Replace the word
everyday
show examples
 life .
Although
 there are positive
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 of
phones
 ,overuse can have negative effects .
Therefore
 , parents and teachers should monitor
children
's use of
phones
 and help them manage their
time
 wisely.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and offers a clear response to the question. However, ensure that your ideas are fully developed and connected more seamlessly. Emphasize why these developments are particularly significant for children. Also, add more depth to your discussion, offering clearer reasoning and broader implications.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, but transitions between points can be smoother. Use transitional phrases to better connect your ideas. Avoid abrupt shifts and make sure each paragraph flows into the next naturally. Additionally, ensure consistent use of paragraph breaks for different ideas to aid readability.
coherence cohesion
Double-check for spelling and grammatical errors. These minor errors can sometimes disrupt the flow of your writing.
task achievement
You effectively address both parts of the question - why children spend time on smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which reinforce your arguments effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: