IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. Why is this case ? Do you think is a positive or negative dvelopment?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #dvelopment
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Currently , many
children
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 spend most of their daily
time
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 on
phones
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. The reasons for
thise
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this
these
 are mainly explained by the development of technology and
dependence
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the dependence
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 of modern life on digital devices.
Children
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 play games watch videos or communicate with friends on social media on their
phones
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. There
ara
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are
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 several positive and negative
divelopment
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development
developments
 to
this
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 situation. First ,the positive
aspects
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aspect
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 of
children
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's extensive use of
phones
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, technology can help
children
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 learn new things.
For
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example
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example,
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 through educational programs and educational videos ,
children
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 can expand their knowledge, learn new languages or solve
coplex
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complex
 problems .
Also
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 ,the phone opens
children
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 to the world, allowing them to
quicly
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quickly
 learn about new cultures and events .
For
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example
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example,
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children
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 can watch
intresting
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interesting
 scientific or educational content through
You Tube
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YouTube
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 or other platforms.
However
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,
children
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 spending a lot of
time
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 on
phones
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 can
also
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hare
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have
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 negative consequences. First staring at a phone
sceen
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screen
scene
 for a long
time
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 can cause eye problems and
also
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 lead to reduced physical activity . Many
children
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 neglect exercise by playing games on their
phones
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 or spending
time
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social
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on social
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 media which
negative
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negatively
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 affects their
halth
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health
. In
conclution
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conclusion
,
children
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 spend a lot of
time
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 on
phones
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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due to
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 the fact that technology has penetrated deeply into
every day
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everyday
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 life .
Although
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 there are positive
aspect
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aspects
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 of
phones
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 ,overuse can have negative effects .
Therefore
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 , parents and teachers should monitor
children
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's use of
phones
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 and help them manage their
time
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 wisely.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and offers a clear response to the question. However, ensure that your ideas are fully developed and connected more seamlessly. Emphasize why these developments are particularly significant for children. Also, add more depth to your discussion, offering clearer reasoning and broader implications.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, but transitions between points can be smoother. Use transitional phrases to better connect your ideas. Avoid abrupt shifts and make sure each paragraph flows into the next naturally. Additionally, ensure consistent use of paragraph breaks for different ideas to aid readability.
coherence cohesion
Double-check for spelling and grammatical errors. These minor errors can sometimes disrupt the flow of your writing.
task achievement
You effectively address both parts of the question - why children spend time on smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument well.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which reinforce your arguments effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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