IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Other believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather that compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
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In the contemporary epoch, there are several debates over whether a
sense
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 of
competition
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 or a
sense
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 of cooperation should be emphasized in
children
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's upbringing procedure. In the following essay will be discussed both standpoints and
elaborateed
Correct your spelling
elaborated
elaborate
elaborates
 on the advantages and disadvantages of these viewpoints. On the one hand, a
sense
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 of
competition
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 can motivate
children
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 to strive more than their capacities.
Thus
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,
this
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sense
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 leads to several achievements in their life, and they with a high possibility to pursue their happiness.
In addition
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, the highlighted
sense
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 boosts a level of communication,
hence
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,
children
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 who have the mentioned
sense
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 are able to forge or even maintain their relationships more favourable compared to other
children
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.
On the other hand
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, a cooperation
sense
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 fosters
social
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the social
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 abilities of
children
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. It is obvious that
children
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 with a better
sense
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 of cooperating have a higher level of
teamworking
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teamwork
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.
Moreover
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,
this
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 collaborative spirit can lead to more harmonious workplaces. In
this
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 unity
workeplace
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workplace
, all members work efficiently.
Therefore
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, the mentioned firms
and
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apply
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progress quickly, so
amount
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the amount
show examples
 of their productivities are enhanced in
this
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 intimate system.
Furthermore
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, people who have
this
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sense
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 live more healthier in comparison with the other
children
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, because
children
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 with a
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competition
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competitive
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 spirit always do their best to
achive
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achieve
a
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apply
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excellence.
Overall
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, both points of view have benefits and drawbacks. Everybody,
due to
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 preferences, opts the one of the discussed approaches in
this
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 essay. In my
oppinion
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opinion
, a
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competition
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competitive
show examples
sense
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 can cause more
sucess
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success
 in
children
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's
life
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lives
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, but may
sabotages
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sabotage
show examples
thier
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their
mind's
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minds'
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 health.
Hence
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, choosing a
balance
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balanced
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 method for
development
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the development
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 of
children
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 is
considerable
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considerably
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 crucial.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, work on clear paragraphing and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed before moving to the next.
task achievement
Use more varied and sophisticated examples to effectively support your main points and illustrate your arguments better.
grammar lexis
Work on reducing grammatical errors and improving lexical resource to increase clarity and precision.
content
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and offers a considered opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
What to do next:
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