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Band 5.5

In some countries of the world, cars are replacing bicycles. However, in some countries, bicycles are replacing cars. What are the reasons for these two developments? In your opinion, which one is better?

#countries #world #cars #bicycles #two #developments
Nowadays, in some
nations
Add a comma
nations,
show examples
 a number of
people
 are shifting toward
use
Add an article
the use
show examples
 of
cars
 to commute,
whereas
, in a few countries a bigger section of the community
prefer
Correct subject-verb agreement
prefers
show examples
cycles
. In my opinion,
latter
Correct article usage
the latter
show examples
 is a positive development and it must be promoted
and
Correct word choice
apply
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the reasons to support my stance are elaborated in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, those who advocate the former trend assert that
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of
cars
 saves travelling time. In fact,
this
 mode enables an individual to cover
large
Add an article
a large
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 distance in a short period of time. To illustrate, with the construction of new highways
cars
 can
cruse
Correct your spelling
cruise
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 at a speed of 100
kilometers
Change the spelling
kilometres
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 per hour easily.
However
, I do not agree with
this
 notion completely because public transport
such
 as
high speed
Add a hyphen
high-speed
show examples
 trains can be used to cover large distances.
On the other hand
,
people
 are shifting their interests towards bicycles because of Environmental concerns. As a matter of fact, rising awareness of climate
changes
Fix the agreement mistake
change
show examples
 is driving commuters to
use
cycles
 to reduce carbon footprints. To illustrate,
according to
 a survey, about 33 per cent of pollution is caused by vehicular emissions.
Therefore
,
people
 are opting
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
environment friendly
Add a hyphen
environment-friendly
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 options like
cycles
instead
 of
cars
.
In addition
, cycling offers Health benefits and promotes an active lifestyle.
Furthermore
, bicycles are seen as
solution
Add an article
a solution
the solution
show examples
 to solve traffic jams and
congestions
Fix the agreement mistake
congestion
show examples
 in cities.
Hence
, commuters are preferring
cycles
 over
cars
.
To sum up
,
cars
 can cover large distances in
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
 span but issues related to climate changes, health and traffic jams are forcing
people
 to
use
 sustainable options like
cycles
.
Submitted by mrsdns on

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task achievement
You've made your argument clear and presented relevant reasons for both developments. However, you could provide a little more elaboration and specific examples to strengthen your points further.
coherence cohesion
Work on tightening the logical flow of your paragraphs. While your essay is generally coherent, minor improvements in transitioning between ideas and ensuring the paragraphs are directly linked to each other can boost your score.
coherence cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are effective, ensure that all main points introduced in the body paragraphs directly support the thesis statement. This will further enhance the cohesiveness of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes a strong introduction and conclusion which succinctly summarize your arguments.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the essay prompt by discussing both developments (shift towards cars and bicycles) and providing reasons for each.
relevant specific examples
You have utilized relevant examples to back up your points, which adds validity to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Affluence
  • Carbon footprint
  • Congestion
  • Incentives
  • Urban planning
  • Pedestrian-friendly
  • Government policies
  • Infrastructure
  • Societal trends
  • Cost-saving
  • Environmental awareness
  • Health benefits
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