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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals claim that sacrificing leisure
time
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 to earn more money has more
benefits
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 than earning less money
for having
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to have
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 more rest
time
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. Personally, I partly agree with
this
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 statement that
people
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 should be balanced between two aspects
instead
Linking Words
 of excessive focus on a particular part of
this
Linking Words
 point of view. There are many reasons that illustrate that
people
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 should spend most of their
time
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 enhancing
incomes
Correct pronoun usage
their incomes
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. First and foremost, in
this
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 period of development, when the prices of products and tariffs are increasing day by day, that will isolate the group of
people
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 who can not catch up with
this
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 movement.
Therefore
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, focusing on developing occupations not only improves our living conditions in a positive way
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 prevents underprivileged living environments and poverty or even an over saving-budget lifestyle for individuals.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the community will highly develop if each person in these areas always tries hard to improve their lives.
Hence
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, it affects directly
on
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apply
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society when it reduces the substandard community, shortage of supply and demand
as well as
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 the situation of poor paying ability of residents for the policy requirements will be addressed.
Nevertheless
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, on the others' views, some evidence shows that there are more
benefits
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 that
people
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 spend most of
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time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
to
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on
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 leisure activities.
Firstly
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, many data statistics illustrate that modern
people
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 tend to live
in
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under
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 working pressure and ignore their personal life
that is
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 the main reason for anxiety disorder and depression in adults. The Japan’s government in 2014 imposed a red warning when the number of Japan’s residents suicide increased significantly over the years
due to
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 work pressures.
For
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this
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 reason, many scientists with their research evidence encouraged modern
people
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 to take more
time
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 to rest for their physical and mental health quality.
Besides
Linking Words
, prioritizing rest
time
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also
Linking Words
 creates chances for work-life balance,
relaxing
Verb problem
apply
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and we can pay attention to exploring
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
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 and weak points to rebuild
as well as
Linking Words
 set an appropriate goal for the future.
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
this
Linking Words
 point of view, it can support more
benefits
Use synonyms
 for
people
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 who have work-life balance problems to adapt in a positive way. In conclusion, both sides of
this
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 statement have
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
benefits
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 that will be most effective in different cases of life.

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task achievement
While the essay does provide a clear response to the prompt and covers both perspectives, it would benefit from more balanced arguments in both body paragraphs. For example, adding more specific details to support the idea of balanced work and free time would make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically organized, but the essay could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using transitional phrases more frequently might help maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the essay well.
task achievement
You included relevant examples and evidence from a real-world context, such as the situation in Japan, to support your arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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