Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Do you agree or disagree?
Some individuals claim that sacrificing leisure
time
to earn more money has more benefits
than earning less money for having
more rest Change preposition
to have
time
. Personally, I partly agree with this
statement that people
should be balanced between two aspects instead
of excessive focus on a particular part of this
point of view.
There are many reasons that illustrate that people
should spend most of their time
enhancing incomes
. First and foremost, in Correct pronoun usage
their incomes
this
period of development, when the prices of products and tariffs are increasing day by day, that will isolate the group of people
who can not catch up with this
movement. Therefore
, focusing on developing occupations not only improves our living conditions in a positive way,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
prevents underprivileged living environments and poverty or even an over saving-budget lifestyle for individuals. Furthermore
, the community will highly develop if each person in these areas always tries hard to improve their lives. Hence
, it affects directly on
society when it reduces the substandard community, shortage of supply and demand Change preposition
apply
as well as
the situation of poor paying ability of residents for the policy requirements will be addressed.
Nevertheless
, on the others' views, some evidence shows that there are more benefits
that people
spend most of time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
to
leisure activities. Change preposition
on
Firstly
, many data statistics illustrate that modern people
tend to live in
working pressure and ignore their personal life Change preposition
under
that is
the main reason for anxiety disorder and depression in adults. The Japan’s government in 2014 imposed a red warning when the number of Japan’s residents suicide increased significantly over the years due to
work pressures. For
this
reason, many scientists with their research evidence encouraged modern people
to take more time
to rest for their physical and mental health quality. Besides
, prioritizing rest time
also
creates chances for work-life balance, relaxing
and we can pay attention to exploring Verb problem
apply
strength
and weak points to rebuild Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
as well as
set an appropriate goal for the future. In
Change preposition
From
this
point of view, it can support more benefits
for people
who have work-life balance problems to adapt in a positive way.
In conclusion, both sides of this
statement have its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
benefits
that will be most effective in different cases of life.Submitted by lyhuongclc on
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task achievement
While the essay does provide a clear response to the prompt and covers both perspectives, it would benefit from more balanced arguments in both body paragraphs. For example, adding more specific details to support the idea of balanced work and free time would make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically organized, but the essay could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using transitional phrases more frequently might help maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame the essay well.
task achievement
You included relevant examples and evidence from a real-world context, such as the situation in Japan, to support your arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example