IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The number of obese children is growing over the past years, some say that parents should be punished for letting their child becoming fat , discuss this and give your opinion

#children #years #say #parents #child
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There is no denying the fact that child obesity has significantly increased over the past years.
While
 it is
commonly
Correct article usage
a commonly
show examples
 held belief that parents must be punished because of
thier overwight
Correct your spelling
their overweight
 child, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that family did not let
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 become fat on purpose cause maybe it is something
hereditery
Correct your spelling
hereditary
.
To begin
 with, obesity for
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 may pose
risk
Correct article usage
a risk
show examples
 to them.
In other
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 it is going to affect
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 lifestyle for the
wores
Correct your spelling
worse
.
in
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 they will not be able to do
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 normal activities
as well as
 they are going to have a bad
healith
Correct your spelling
health
.
For example
,
kids
 with
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 might find it hard to climb up the stairs or to walk and from the
healith
Correct your spelling
health
 side they could have a heart attack. Another point to consider, parents can not control
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 all the time. It is possible to say that because
chuldern
Correct your spelling
children
 are stubborn.
Moreover
, parents will not be able to know the
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 that
surrouded
Correct your spelling
surrounded
thier
Correct your spelling
their
kids
 ,
For instance
, in school they might see the other students eating fast food or candy so they do the same thing and take
this
 bad
attiutde
Correct your spelling
attitude
. In
Correct your spelling
conclusion
conclusioon
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, despite people having
a different views
Correct the article-noun agreement
different views
a different view
show examples
,I believe that weight is
is
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
something that families can not control
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
but there are many solutions here are some watch
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 food, make them play outside, know their friends,do
Correct your spelling
excitement
exercisement
Correct your spelling
exercise
 in front of them, let them do some activities
Submitted by daliahmohsn9 on

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task achievement
To improve task response, make sure to fully develop and support your main points with clear, logical arguments and specific examples. For instance, when discussing how obesity poses health risks to children, you could provide detailed evidence or statistics to make your arguments stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from more logical transitions between ideas to achieve better coherence and cohesion. For example, linking sentences within paragraphs could help to create a smoother flow of ideas. Using linking words such as 'furthermore,' 'consequently,' and 'on the other hand' can aid in this process.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the opposing views, setting up the discussion effectively.
task achievement
You have identified several relevant points for discussion, such as the health risks of obesity and the challenges parents face in controlling their children's eating habits.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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