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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Writing task 2 In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extent do you think this is a positive trend?

#people #hobby #trend
Most
people
 believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
shopping could
identify
Wrong verb form
be identified
show examples
 as a hobby rather than
usual
Correct article usage
a usual
show examples
 routine task as it was in the past. I completely agree that
this
 tendency has more disadvantages than advantages
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because these acts can cause
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
addiction
 and financial problems.
Firstly
, nowadays majority of humanity
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 enjoyment from shopping, and it
starts
Wrong verb form
has started
show examples
 to increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 shopping
addiction
. It is happening due
dopamine
Change preposition
to dopamine
show examples
 that comes through buying some new things, and that dopamine disappears very quickly so that
people
 want to acquire more
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
 that surround them. It is unsafe for all
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it is hard to get out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
addiction
.
For example
, shopping
addiction
 is almost the same as an
addiction
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 gambling, and
people
 really need to cure
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it.
Instead
 of cheap dopamine
people
 should get fun from other things, like meditation, reading, jogging etc.
Secondly
, consumption of various things leads
people
 to trouble in finance. Since, in current
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 managers of large stores and shopping malls already know how to get more money from consumers. They improve the marketing sphere of their shops and search for a victim for it.
As a result
, most families will have financial problems
due to
 all these confusing products.
For instance
, in the past,
people
 went to the shop when they really
need
Wrong verb form
needed
show examples
 something for a living, and all
founders
Correct article usage
the founders
show examples
 of stores had no tricky marketing for consumers. In conclusion, thankful for these provided explanations, reasons and examples I strongly believe that regarding shopping as a hobby is a very dangerous delusion.
Submitted by a.seytzhanova on

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task achievement
Expand on the positive aspects to balance your argument. Mentioning only the disadvantages makes your essay one-sided.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures to enhance the readability of your essay. Avoid repetitive use of similar sentence patterns.
general
Work on refining your grammar and vocabulary to avoid small mistakes that can affect the clarity of your points.
task achievement
You provided clear reasons and examples to support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to organize your ideas effectively.
task achievement
The points you made are relevant and provide a clear stance on the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumerism
  • retail therapy
  • materialism
  • disposable income
  • economic growth
  • financial instability
  • environmental impact
  • social interaction
  • community building
  • emotional satisfaction
  • advertising influence
  • shopping habits
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