IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think governments should care more about elderly while others think they should focus on investing in education for younger people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #governments #care #focus #education
In recent years, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 tremendous countries prioritising
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
services
, and some countries focusing on the education system. Personally, I insist that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should encourage both
generations
, and support will be illustrated in the following paragraphs: First and foremost, Older
generations
 were a power force in the old era and they should gain appropriate responsibility. In the past,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 had a large proportion of tax payments. When they advance in years, they should obtain the right
of receiving
Change preposition
to receive
show examples
services
 and care from society
such
 as good treatment care or retirement. In my perspective, it is a moral to
repayment
Replace the word
repay
show examples
 and the equality of people.
Government
 should give the
services
 and quality of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
 to older workers.
For instance
, in Thailand, there is a scheme for treatment
services
,
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
 are able to spend less money to care for their health;
in addition
, most older people are gaining money from the
government
 institute when they retire from their work.
On the other hand
, children's education improves the quality of countries. When the younger
generations
 have an equality of studies, they will be capable of working in a good job that enhances the quality of their lives–leading to encouraging the potential of the
country
. In my opinion, if
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 receive the standard of education at a high level, they will have the power to force the
country
 forward.
For example
, in the
last
 few decades in China, Chinese students
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 supported by the
government
 to study at high levels. These days, China has an exceedingly large potential in several parts, there are tremendous knowledge workers and innovation to force their
country
. As I mentioned, both
generations
 are significantly important to socialise as the parts of
moral
Fix the agreement mistake
morals
show examples
, and justice or capability to forward the
country
.
Therefore
, the
government
 should have the balance to prioritise their
services
 and enhance their lives.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

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Task Response
Your ideas are clear and relevant, but ensure all sentences are precise and free from small grammatical errors. For example, replace 'repayment' with 'repay' in 'it is a moral to repayment' and ensure subject-verb agreement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although most of your essay is well-structured, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly. Use more linking phrases to improve the flow between ideas.
Task Response
The essay provides a balanced discussion and concludes with a clear opinion which directly answers the question.
Task Response
Examples given are specific and relevant, which strengthens your argument, such as referencing Thailand's treatment services and China's focus on education.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing both views, and a strong conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Each point is supported adequately with explanations and examples, contributing to a well-rounded essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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