IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be. Give some reasons why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought closer together. Include any relevant examples from your experience

#families #change
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Recently, social communities declare that
families
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 are not as close as they used to be. Some factories are the causes for
this
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 social phenomenon.
Firstly
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 , the development of technology. Some products as mobile phone, computer, tablet,…. Increase the distance with
families
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 members. The one person in family have in the same
time
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 a computer, mobile and tablet:
parents
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 and
children’s
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.
Secondly
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, the electronic game increase distance between
children’s
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 and
parents
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. Some
children’s
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 passes the total of weekend day plays electronic games.
Moreover
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, the work of
parents
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 mother and father make them more distant to their children. They mets them only in the nights and they not have
time
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 to discuss with their
children’s
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. Some
parents
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 said they we not have any ideas about their son’s scholarship and their hobbies or interests.
Finally
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, it is urgent for
families
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 to be more close in their live.
Parents
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 are obliged to save their
children’s
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 and make more
time
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 together. For exemple, make every weekend
time
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 to discuss with
children’s
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, to listen about their daily live in school, with friends, Play game together in some public space, read book before sleeping , prepare school exercice together in home, ….. make
families
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 party with others oncle, tant and grands
parents
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 to communicate more and more and make
children’s
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 more closed to the members of
families
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 other
then
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 her
parents
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.
Families
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 can organise intellectual trips together. For exemple, visit a mesum, a cinema , theater, …..
parents
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 and children can participate in
families
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 clubs with much leisure activities. For surviving a beautiful live is necessary to exist love in
families
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.
This
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 love is created with close relation between all members in a
families
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 :
parents
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,
children’s
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 , oncle, tant , grands
parents
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, friends, …..
Submitted by rabebhamdi on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the reasons why families are not as close as they used to be and offers suggestions for bringing them closer together, some points need to be more clearly developed. For example, the idea of technology increasing distance could include more specific examples. Additionally, variety and depth in your examples can strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat present but can be improved. Clearer transitions between points and paragraphs would help in understanding your main arguments. Try to use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear introduction and conclusion. The current essay jumps directly into the topic without a proper introduction and ends rather abruptly without a summarized conclusion. Begin with a general statement about the topic, followed by a brief outline of what will be covered.
task achievement
You've addressed multiple reasons for families growing distant and offered several suggestions for improving closeness, which shows a comprehensive approach to the task.
task achievement
You've included a variety of activities such as family discussions, games, and trips to engage family members, which are relevant and practical suggestions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • family interactions
  • technological advancements
  • virtual interactions
  • dual-income households
  • urbanization
  • migration
  • social structures
  • individualism
  • family cohesiveness
  • belonging
  • open communication
  • emotional support
  • shared activities
  • family dynamics
  • work-life balance
  • family traditions
  • regular gatherings
  • counseling
  • family therapy
  • prioritizing family time
What to do next:
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