IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, individuals or their employers pay for medical treatment. Should the government be more responsible for the health of their citizens? Discuss and give your opinion.

#countries #individuals #employers #treatment #government #health #citizens
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In some developed nations,the
government
Use synonyms
 is responsible for taking care of the health of their citizens
while
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 in other
countries
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 individuals or their companies pay for the medical treatment.
Government
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 should be responsible for that I partially agree with
this
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 statement and
further
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 in
this
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 essay , I will explain my point of view with some examples.
To begin
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 with , In poor
countries
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such
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 as Sudan if the
government
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 takes responsibility for healthy citizens
then
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 definitely it
willbe
Correct your spelling
will be
aburden
Correct your spelling
a burden
burden
 on the
government
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 because
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the majority of
people
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 in undeveloped
countries
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 are not paying taxes.
As a result
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 ,Poverty will increase in the state and
people
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 can involved in criminal activities
such
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 as theft ,murder etc for food and basic necessities.
for example
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 ,
Secondly
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 , In developed nations like the USA , Canada and Japan in developed
countries
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government
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 is paying hospital bills for their citizens because in these
countries
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people
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 are paying more taxes.
For example
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 , research revealed that many
people
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take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefit
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
government
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 facilities, they consume
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
medicine
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 for small diseases like colds and coughs because they are getting
medicine
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 free of cost and as we know consuming more
medicine
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 is not good for
health
Correct pronoun usage
our health
show examples
 even though it affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our vital organs.
To conclude
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 , In developing
countries
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, the
government
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 should start a policy in which poor
people
Use synonyms
 should get
medicine
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 at a lower price, I believe that
this
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 trend is
also
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 good for the
government
Use synonyms
 to boost the country's economy and for individuals as well to get
medicine
Use synonyms
 at a low cost to treat their disease.
Submitted by preetiaug25 on

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task response
Strengthen your thesis statement by being clearer about your position (partially agree) and the main points you will discuss.
task response
Improve the clarity of your arguments by providing more detailed explanations and examples. Additionally, ensure each paragraph has a clear main point supported by evidence.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. This can be done by using more linking words and phrases.
task response
Develop your conclusion further by summarizing the key points discussed and reaffirming your partially agreed position clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Be consistent with your paragraph structure, making sure each paragraph contains a clear main idea, supporting evidence, and a brief conclusion/transition.
task response
You have introduced the topic effectively and presented your position, which sets the stage for your arguments.
task response
You have made an effort to provide specific examples to support your arguments, which adds depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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