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Band 4.5

Some people believe that children’s leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #children’s #leisure #activities #waste #time
The line chart illustrates the figure of channel one
viewers
 in millions daily during a year period.
Overall
,the
number
 of people at 1 and 9;30
pm
 remained the same during the given period,
while
 the
number
 of
viewers
 at 6 and 11
pm
 saw an upward and downward trend. In January, the
number
 of
viewers
 at 6pm constituted the highest point, nearly 5 million at the beginning of the year.
Then
 it started to go down with sharp fluctuation until December.At 9;30
pm
, it suddenly started to increase,
then
 from May to September it had a sharp dip,afterwards went up to the same
number
,3 million.In May ,when the
number
 of
viewers
 contacted at 11pm appeared and experienced a rapid upward trend,
then
 in August ,it went down making up more
viewers
 than it was at the beginning approximately 1 million,respectively.
By contrast
,the amount of the audience, who preferred to watch at 1pm, remained the same for 12 months.
Submitted by inessanazaryan1 on

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introduction
Your introduction is clear and provides a good overview, but it could be expanded to mention all the key points that will be discussed in the essay.
clarity
The data description is generally clear, but ensure all key trends and figures are accurately reported. For example, the fluctuation at 6 pm could be described more precisely.
grammar
Pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure, as minor errors can affect readability. For example, '9;30 pm' should be '9:30 pm'.
task achievement
You successfully identified the main trends in the data and discussed them clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is organized into clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your argument logically.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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