IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governments #services
It is certainly understandable that the
administration
 should start looking at ways of improving their public facilities to a sustainable development. Government have to make a real innovation in keeping the stability of the society, which means that people should get good service from their
administration
 There was a statement that said that the
administration
 should utilise the coin for public importance, and not use
this
 cash for other things like music and theatre. Personally, I disagree with that statement. In the following paragraphs, I will give my reasons to support my opinion. Nowadays, to face the period of development, as a
country
 they have to compete with other countries. Arts can offer a positive contribution to the development of the quality of life in a
country
. I believe that each
country
 has their ability
then
 it can compete with the others.
For example
, recently there have been some world competitions related to ‘singing’
such
 as the World Choir Competition, ASIAN Idol, etc. Every
country
 sends their best participants to follow the competition. Two years ago, an Indonesian delegate took part in the World Choir Competition held on 15–17 March 2013 in Belgium. They had to compete with 57 countries, and
finally
, they got gold medals for several categories.
In addition
, I think that if a government invests some money in
this
 sector, it will create many advantages for the
country
 itself.
For instance
, Indonesia has talented people in the painting field, which means that they can make beautiful creations for sale. One of the popular paintings is the ‘Monalisa’ drawing. The Painting already became everlasting painting because it was drawn by a talented person, and the painter already created many advantages for himself and his
country
. Another essential thing is people have to make good teamwork with the
administration
 to produce huge advantages related to art creations. In conclusion, the government should invest some money to improve arts creation because it has a big opportunity to make a
country
 more successful.
Submitted by angelacalcaterra46 on

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task achievement
Consider fully elaborating on both sides of the argument to demonstrate balance. While your personal opinion is clear, addressing counterarguments can strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all your paragraphs are logically structured. Some parts of your essay could benefit from a clearer link between sentences and ideas.
task achievement
Be specific with your examples. While the example of the Indonesian delegate in the World Choir Competition is relevant, more precise details about the impact of such achievements on the nation could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use a variety of linking words and phrases to show connections between ideas. Words like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'however' can help improve the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your arguments nicely.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples such as the Indonesian delegate in the World Choir Competition, which supports your argument well.
coherence cohesion
Your main ideas are clear and relate directly to the essay question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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