some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Nowadays technology has advanced across the globe, new gadgets are innovated yearly. Everyone including
children
, has at least one of these
devices
with them
such
as
smartphone
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a smartphone
show examples
. In
the
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apply
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modern life
every
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apply
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thing
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everything
show examples
including education and
communications
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communication
show examples
are
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is
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done
by
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with
show examples
the help of these
devices
.
however
, a number of them spend
hour
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hours
show examples
on
smartphones
for entertainment. I believe alongside the few advantages
in
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of
show examples
smartphones
the
drawbackes
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drawbacks
are more.
To begin
with, the main disadvantage is that spending hours on
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
whould
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would
harm
children
's eyes. Their body
are
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is
show examples
still weak
due to
the harmful effects of radiation from the device.
For instance
, my
10 year old
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10-year-old
show examples
brother used to spend hours on video
gaims
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games
on
the
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his
show examples
smartphone
untill
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until
I
relised
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realised
from his actions that he
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
not see very clearly. The doctor said that the
divice
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device
had harmed his eyes permanently and he
also
said if he was older the damage would have been less. Now my brother is always getting
bolied
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bullied
boiled
and he can not read comfortably The side
effect
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effects
show examples
that
this
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these
show examples
new
devices
have on
children
are
seriouse
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serious
seriously
because it will affect their education life. On the
ather
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other
hand, spending a lot of time on the cellphone could be addictive.
children
usually get
attcahed
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attached
to things
fastly so
Rephrase
quickly
show examples
,
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so
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if they learn to spend
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
of their days on
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
they will get addicted to them.
For example
, my little
cousine
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cousin
cousins
Sam, is always on
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
whatching
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watching
movies whenever I see him and
sadelly
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sadly
he could not complete grade three because he could
think
Rephrase
not think
show examples
about in class was, when to get back home and watch
rest
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the rest
show examples
of the series.
As a result
, Sam
faile
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failed
all the subjects at school because, of his lack of
focusing
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focus
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with the
teacher
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teachers
show examples
in the classes.
This
example
it
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apply
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shows the importance of teaching
children
how to use
smartphones
.
To conclude
,
smartphones
has
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have
show examples
a lot of harmful impacts on
the
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apply
show examples
kids in
diffrent
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different
fields
such
as education and health. Modern
devices
also
, make our
children
diss
conected
Correct your spelling
connected
to society. When they spend a lot of time with their
smartphones
they will forget how to communicate with
pepeol
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people
and make friends. I believe the best way to prevent that kind of
problems
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problem
show examples
parents should control their
children
in
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apply
show examples
the time that they spend with phones and they should explain
for
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to
show examples
them what kind of
harms
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harm
show examples
it will cause them.
Submitted by hadisbereihi657 on

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task achievement
The essay does address the task, but the arguments are not fully developed or clearly structured. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting details are cohesive and relevant to the argument. Also, divide the essay into clear paragraphs for better readability.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving paragraph structure and transitions to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Each main point should be clearly presented and supported with relevant examples. Better organization can help in achieving a higher score in coherence and cohesion.
overall
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and word choice. Try to minimize spelling errors and improve the overall readability of the essay. Regular practice and review can help in reducing such errors.
task achievement
The essay provides specific examples, which helps to illustrate the points being made. This is especially effective in making the argument more relatable and easier to understand.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and provides a clear stance on the issue. This helps in giving the essay a strong ending and reinforces the writer's perspective.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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