IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries it is illegal to refuse people applying for jobs because of their age. Is it a positive or a negative development, in your opinion?

#countries #people #jobs #age #development
It is becoming increasingly common in some countries to offer jobs for a larger range of
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
. In my view,
this
 should be perceived as a positive trend for two main reasons.
Firstly
, by not refusing people applying for
work
due to
 their
age
, it significantly promotes equal opportunity and combats
age
 discrimination. In fact, there are numerous opportunities for entry-level, limiting candidates' ages to those who are below 25 years old.
As a result
, some of those who
age
 above the requirement had fewer options in the
work
 environments.
Therefore
, governments have to be strict to ensure that hiring employment is based on merit and qualification rather than
age
, as it can encourage diverse
work
 environments which can lead to valuable respect and more innovative solutions.
Secondly
, it enables worker candidates, especially older individuals to continue contributing their valuable experience and skills.
This
 good opportunity can help them to enhance
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 quality of their life, expanding their productive life.
On the other hand
, as older employees more and more spending their time
to
Change the verb form
working
show examples
work
, they may lack information about new technological innovations, so it is the best idea to combine their capabilities with the younger generation, allowing them to gain their
work
 qualifications.
Thus
, in turn, it can increase the
overall
 employment rate in the companies. In conclusion, creating employment opportunities
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 various range of
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 is actually a wise decision, not only it can
combats
Wrong verb form
combat
show examples
age
 discrimination, but
also
 enables employees to gain their
work
 qualifications and skills.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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language
In your essay, it's essential to use precise vocabulary. For instance, 'in certain countries, it is illegal to discriminate against younger or older applicants based on their age.' Maintaining clarity in such phrases improves overall comprehension.
content
You need to elaborate on your examples and provide more specific details or studies to back your arguments. This adds depth to your points.
structure
Consider adding smooth transitions between paragraphs or points. Phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' or 'Conversely,' can help improve the flow of the essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction that sets the stage for the discussion and a conclusion that neatly summarizes the main points.
content
You've done a good job at addressing the prompt and providing reasons to support your opinion, demonstrating a strong understanding of the task.
content
Your essay promotes equal opportunity and acknowledges the value of diverse work environments, which enriches your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age discrimination
  • equal opportunities
  • diverse work environment
  • innovative solutions
  • valuable experience
  • employment rate
  • merit-based hiring
  • qualifications
  • inclusivity
  • respect
  • age groups
  • adapt to new technologies
  • training and support
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