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Band 5

Most people agree that money cannot bring happiness. Why is happiness difficult to define? How can people achieve happiness?

#people #money #happiness
Some
people
 argue that
happiness
is come
Wrong verb form
comes
show examples
 from
money
,
while
 other
people
 think that
happiness
 cannot be bought by anything. I believe that there are a lot of factors to make
people
 happy, not only by having much
money
.
People
 have their own way
to consider
Change preposition
of considering
show examples
 what
happiness
 is and what things can make them satisfied.
Happiness
 is not
goods
Fix the agreement mistake
good
show examples
, not something that
people
 can see
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their eyes or something that they can hold in their hands.
Happiness
 is about what
people
 feel,
how
Correct word choice
and how
show examples
 much they
thank
Wrong verb form
are thankful
show examples
 for what they have
been having
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Naturally,
people
 are created with a dissatisfying feeling. They will never feel enough in their life, even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 have unlimited
money
 in a bank.
That is
 the reason why
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
 is difficult to define. Nowadays, many things are measured by wealth and possession.
People
 think that
money
 is the most important thing to be happy, so they try to work hard and earn
money
 as much as they can. They do not realise that research has proved that some of the rich
people
 are not really happy in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
On the other hand
, many
people
 consider happy when they have a harmonious family. They do not need much
money
 to be happy, because by having a good husband, wife and children, they can feel satisfied. In conclusion, I think that every
people
 have their own definition of what
happiness
 is. Some
people
 agree that
money
 is the most important thing to be happy and some others believe that
money
 cannot make all of them satisfied, so it depends on their point of view.
Submitted by angelacalcaterra46 on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction to clearly state your position. A more explicit thesis statement can improve clarity.
task achievement
Use more specific examples or evidence to support your main points. This can help demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to create smoother flow between ideas. This will help enhance overall readability and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay provides a thoughtful discussion on the topic and recognizes multiple perspectives on happiness.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is organized into clear paragraphs with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
You have made a good effort in explaining why happiness is difficult to define and provided examples of different factors that contribute to happiness.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • subjective
  • universally
  • cultural differences
  • psychological factors
  • satisfaction with life
  • emotional balance
  • personal achievements
  • social connections
  • fulfilling relationships
  • sense of belonging
  • sense of purpose
  • physical health
  • well-being
  • financial stability
  • mindfulness
  • gratitude
  • positive thinking
What to do next:
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