IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages?

#countries #phone #cellphone #apps #development
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Purchasing things via mobile apps has become a trend in most developed and underdeveloped countries.
Whereas
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 it presents many benefits: minimize the circulation of physical
money
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 and
people
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 find it a convenient method of
payment
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.
To begin
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 with, purchasing via mobile apps assists in reducing the circulation of physical
money
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 in retail;
additionally
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, as much as
people
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 carry physical currency within pockets or wallets, it causes the
money
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 to become ripped, torn, or damaged;
However
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, it has come handy to governments as well because
people
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 are not using physical
money
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 extensive as before.
For instance
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, in India, all
people
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use
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 Paytm to purchase things if you see their
money
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, you hardly ever find any old denomination to be circulating in the market.
Nevertheless
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,
people
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 find it a straightforward method of
payment
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, and
payment
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 calculation is done automatically by
app
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; generally, they finish the
payment
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 by pressing a few clicks on the screen of their smartphones.
For example
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,
people
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 who pay their bills by Google Pay
app
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 in Walmart supermarkets receive a 2% discount on the total bill which is more effortless and incentive.
Moreover
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,
people
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use
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 smartphone
app
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payment
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 to stay safe from robbery and pickpocketing these two of stalling have become more common in many developed and under-developed nations. In Conclusion, the utilization of smartphones for
payment
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 or buying things has become very popular in many states. On the one, it assists
people
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 and the government to
use
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 physical
money
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 less in daily transactions, which obviously keeps currency intact and helps governments to not print notes over and over;
on the other hand
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,
people
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 easily adopt using the mobile
app
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 for
payment
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,
whereas
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 many supermarkets give discount when consumers
use
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 mobile apps in remittance.
Submitted by am.edrees on

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task response
Make sure to clearly articulate both the advantages and disadvantages in the introduction paragraph. Though the rest of the essay predominantly discusses advantages, mentioning disadvantages consistent with the prompt would enhance your task response score.
task response
Support each point with specific details or additional examples. For example, you mentioned that people find mobile app payments convenient, but further elaboration or additional examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical connection between paragraphs and ideas. Using more transitional phrases would help in improving the coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph stays focused on one main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on reducing physical money usage and the other on benefits to the government.
task response
You provide relevant examples to illustrate your points, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to organize your response effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • convenience
  • safety
  • security
  • time-saving
  • cashless transactions
  • dependence on technology
  • privacy concerns
  • accessibility issues
  • financial vulnerability
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