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Band 5.5

Some people believe that a good teamwork makes companies successful. Others say that it is more important for companies to have good leaders. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #teamwork #companies #leaders
In
this
 day and age, people have different views on how
companies
 become successful.
Whlie
Correct your spelling
While
 there are some good arguments in favour of the view that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good teamwork is the key factor leading to
accomplishments
Correct article usage
the accomplishments
show examples
 of organizations, I would argue that having an outstanding
leader
 is more advantageous. On the one hand, there is a growing belief that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good teamwork could bring certain
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 to corporates' performance. The first reason is that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good teamwork often
hold
Change the verb form
holds
show examples
 equality in high regard, allowing each team member to express their opinions without feeling intimidated by their co-workers' judgements.
Thus
, it enables the whole team to come up with various perspectives and solutions to one problem,
resuting
Correct your spelling
resulting
 in effective outcomes for the company.
Besides
, most advocates of
this
 view think that
this
 will create a harmonious environment, which is favoured by many.
For instance
, in
Viet Nam
Correct your spelling
Vietnam
show examples
, many employees are highly dedicated to their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, largely
due to
 the freedom of idea expression that the
companies
 offer.
On the other hand
, having a
leader
 with outstanding abilities in a team could open up numerous opportunities for
companies
 in general and each individual
in particular
.
Firstly
, a good superior provides workers
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
clear direction and plan, which is believed to be more important for
Correct article usage
an organizations'
show examples
organizations'
Change noun form
organisation's
show examples
 success. A
leader
 is the one with the capability to pave the most effective way for their employees
base
Wrong verb form
based
show examples
 on their strengths, informing them
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 best solution to an issue. Another reason is that the
leader
 would play a vital role
to sort
Change preposition
in sorting
show examples
 out the ideas that their teammates suggest,
finding
Correct word choice
and finding
show examples
 the best and shortest way to deal with the problem.
For instance
, in
Viet Nam
Correct your spelling
Vietnam
show examples
, many enterprises indicate
this
 as the role of leaders, resulting in their successful projects. In conclusion,
although
 both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that the appearance of an exceptional superior would be more beneficial for the
companies
.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

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task achievement
Ensure all points are supported with relevant examples. Although the essay is generally well-structured, providing more specific or varied examples would enhance the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on minor grammatical and spelling issues to improve clarity. For example, 'Whlie' should be 'While', 'benifits' should be 'benefits', and 'resuting' should be 'resulting'.
task achievement
Develop the conclusion slightly more by summarizing the main points discussed. This can help reinforce your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas, making the argument easy to follow.
task achievement
The opinions and counter-opinions are clearly presented, demonstrating a balanced discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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