some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
It is argued that
children
dedicate their time to smartphones
every day. This
essay will first discuss that this
situation has arisen because of the entertaining apps which are included the smartphones
and then
, it will explain how smartphones
harm their health
as a negative development.
Young people spend most of their time on smartphones
on account of the various attractive applications such
as TikTok and YouTube because these kinds of applications always keep itself
up-to-date and show Correct pronoun usage
themselves
children
interesting contents
which are based on their keens. Fix the agreement mistake
content
Thus
, kids become addicted to smartphones
to be able to access the apps. The Pew Research Center’s study on children
’s screen times that can be seen on mobile phones revealed that 60% of young
population spent at least three hours Correct article usage
the young
on
watching short videos called “reels” on TikTok in the USA in 2023, and they did not want to quit because they could always find contents which about their desires owing to the algorithm of the platform.
Change preposition
apply
This
undesirable development affects children
negatively because children
get used to sedentary
lifestyle as long as Add an article
a sedentary
they
addicted to their phones. Add a verb
they are
they were
This
situation leads to several health
problems such
as obesity. World Health
Organisation found that %75 of the
obese Correct article usage
apply
children
adopted sedentary
lifestyle because they do not want to Correct article usage
a sedentary
do
exercise or go outside Unnecessary verb
apply
instead
of hang
out with their Change the form of the verb
hanging
phone
.
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
To conclude
, children
tend to devote most of their time on
Change preposition
to
smartphones
in order to enjoy themselves by
various apps which have various contents and Change preposition
with
this
development has a negative effect on their health
such
as causing obesity.Submitted by silaaltundag5 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task response
Your essay does a good job of addressing both parts of the prompt: why children spend time on smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development. This clear response closely aligns with the task requirements.
task response
While your main points are present and supported with examples, ensure that each point is fully elaborated. Your mention of health problems could be expanded with more specific details or examples to fully cover the negative consequences.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured, guiding the reader effectively through your arguments. However, some transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother to improve flow.
coherence cohesion
While you have an introduction and conclusion, consider making them slightly stronger. For example, your conclusion could reiterate the key points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your main points do have support, but some arguments could use more robust evidence to be more convincing. The health risks section, in particular, could benefit from additional details.
task response
Clear response to the task prompt, covering both why children spend time on smartphones and the negative impacts of this behavior.
task response
Effective use of specific examples and data (e.g., Pew Research Center study) to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with a logical flow from introduction to conclusion, guiding the reader smoothly.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!