IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Most people are undoubtedly influenced by heavy commercialization and advertising of products; consumers are buying out of desire more than necessity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #commercialization #products #consumers #desire #necessity
In the contemporary epoch, advertisements have a lot of effects on the human's lifestyles. The advertising of goods affects the attitudes of
people
.
Hence
, individuals buy
products
 that they do not need. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
 standpoint, and my view of the point is elaborated in the following. First of all, it is obvious that everything in the advertising has been shown more stunning.
Although
 the mentioned sentence is acceptable truth by hordes of
people
, the time when they see advertisements, forget or with a high possibility they can not believe
this
 issue.
Hence
, they start to buy goods that they do not need because they deem these
products
 to help them to have a favourable appearance or even power.
However
, the fact is totally different from
this
 assumption. In these advertisements, superstars, famous models, and actresses are utilized, and obviously, ordinary
people
 are not able to look as beautiful as them.
On the other hand
, companies have several techniques to motivate
people
 to spend money on their
products
.
Thus
, the majority of the firm's budget is spent on consulting with psychologists who have the ability to devise a plan to fascinate ordinary
people
.
For instance
, they have the knowledge to mention the sentences that seem attractive to observers.
Moreover
, the
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
 or the images play a crucial role in their plan.
For example
, the markets that have
products
 that
people
 can eat or drink utilize red
color
Change the spelling
colour
show examples
 more than the other
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
 because
people
, after watching
this
color
Change the spelling
colour
show examples
, have a lot of appetizing to eat.
Therefore
, firms have several ways to tempt ordinary
people
 to buy more than their necessities, and
this
 issue leads to consumerism.
Due to
 the highlighted methods and reasons,
people
 must pay more attention to their expenditures.
Submitted by speher2000behroozifar on

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task achievement
Provide a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline the main points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to improve overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key points and restating the thesis in a concise manner.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, addressing the impact of advertisements on consumer behavior.
coherence cohesion
Main points are clearly explained and logically presented.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant and specific examples to support the arguments, such as the role of superstars and the use of colors in advertising.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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