IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

IT IS COMMONLY BELIEVE THAT NOWADAYS MAIN FACTOR THAT AFFECT A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT ARE MEDIA,POP CULTURE AND FRIENDS.A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW IS THAT FAMILY PLAYS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ROLE.DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION

#factor #child’s #development #media #pop #culture #friends #point #role
It is not peculiar to hear that media, pop culture and
peer
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 affect
children
's growth. There are various
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 from different stakeholders in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I believe that different people will bring both positive and negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to the
children
. With the advent of technology,
teenagers
 have closer exposure
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 social media
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Whatsapp
Correct your spelling
WhatsApp
show examples
, Facebook,
Instagram
Correct word choice
and Instagram
show examples
 which bring both advantages and disadvantages to them. On the one hand,
teenagers
 can gain knowledge outside the classroom which
widen
Correct subject-verb agreement
widens
show examples
 their horizons.
For example
, if
teenagers
 want to know different news around the world, they can watch the vast majority of YouTube channels. After they watch various videos, it can
also
 help teens boost their critical thinking skills because they can have more opportunities to analyze different news.
On the other hand
, most
children
 are addicted to a myriad of online games from digital devices. They only spend little time on maintaining
peer
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
, playing sports and academic studies. Most
children
 follow the pop culture with their friends, which they can have
sense
Add an article
a sense
show examples
 of
belongings
Correct your spelling
belonging
show examples
 from their
peer
relationship
.
For example
,
according to
 the research of South China Morning Post in 2023, a third quarter of
teenagers
 take drugs because of their depression and
peer
 pressure. Youngsters are eager to find
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 their friends so they are willing to do some harmful behaviours to
have aroused
Wrong verb form
arouse
show examples
concern
Correct article usage
the concern
show examples
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 others. These harmful behaviours like drug taking will harm their health and
relationship
 with their
parents
. Some stakeholders point out that family is of paramount importance to
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 development since
parents
 teach their kids day after day which
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 their kids build up
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 values.
According to
research
Correct article usage
a research
show examples
 investigation
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 BBC, more than half of Hong Kong
parents
 mentioned that they do not spend sufficient time
to get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
along with
 their kids. It seems that
children
 cannot find caring, companionship from their
parents
. In my opinion, different people can
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 different
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
.
For example
, teachers teach not only knowledge from textbooks in the classroom but
also
 positive values and
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
.
Although
children
 are not mature when they are young, they should have abilities to recognize different things. Nowadays, a lot of
parents
 are busy
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their work,
children
 would spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 time with their peers. It is hoped that good students can help
children
 build up their sense of achievement and
belongings
Fix the agreement mistake
belonging
show examples
.
Submitted by asllchkied on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay adequately addresses both views but lacks depth and detail in some areas. Further elaboration and additional supporting evidence would enhance the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas. Transitions could be smoother, and clearer connections between points would improve the coherence.
language use
Grammar and sentence structure need refinement. There are a few awkward phrasings and grammatical errors that could be avoided.
task response
Be specific with examples. Some of the points are very general and would benefit from concrete, specific illustrations.
introduction
The introduction is clear and sets up the discussion nicely.
task response
The essay recognizes and addresses both perspectives, providing a balanced view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: