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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

There are more and more older people who are looking for work and have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What problems does this cause? What are some possible solutions?

#people #work #jobs
Today, more older
people
 who looking for work need to compete with the younger community .
This
 problem could lead to increased numbers of unemployment.
Also
 , physical limitations that older
people
 and young
people
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
show examples
 have the same energy. And lack knowledge of technology
skills
 .The solution
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 issue,
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 governments and organisations can divide the workplace
for
Change preposition
between
show examples
 these two generations, or some companies can create mentorship programs , to teach them new
skills
.
To begin
 with, if only the younger generations would work in main workplaces , the majority of adults would stay without work, of
course
Add the comma(s)
course,
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due to
this
 issue , the quantity of joblessness can enhance. Because of
improving
Correct article usage
the improving
show examples
 numbers of
workless
Replace the word
workers
show examples
, and more and more
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
,
such
us
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 lack of money. All of
this
 concern depends on others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they haven’t stable jobs .
As a result
, the level of poverty would rise.
Moreover
, all of
technology
Add an article
the technology
show examples
 evolves over time.But, most of
elders
Add an article
the elders
show examples
 don’t understand
this
 modern automation . Younger
people
, who have grown up using
this
 technology, may be seen as more capable and better suited for modern jobs.
This
 can make it complex for adult workers to
oppose
Verb problem
compete
show examples
 with teenagers .
Furthermore
, it leans on
with
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apply
show examples
their
active
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activity
show examples
. To solve these issues, the governance needs to help for
this
 humanity.
For example
, one kind of job for older workers, and other kinds of jobs for young
people
.
Then
 , the employees should
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
focus on their experience and
skills
.
For instance
, training programs
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help them develop new technological
skills
 . In conclusion, addressing the skill disparities and expanding job opportunities for both younger and older workers are crucial. We can support all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
age groups ,
reduce
Correct word choice
and reduce
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 numerous forms of unemployment.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task response
Ensure the introduction clearly states the problem and the solutions you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by clearly organizing paragraphs and ensuring each section flows smoothly to the next.
task response
Provide more specific examples and elaboration to support your points. This will make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Eliminate run-on sentences and improve sentence structure to enhance readability.
content
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the issues related to older people competing with younger individuals for jobs.
content
The essay attempts to offer solutions, such as dividing the workplace between generations or creating mentorship programs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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