IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some say that secondary school should spend less time on traditional subjects such as history and should spend more time on communication skills and business courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it?

#say #school #time #subjects #history #communication #skills #business #courses
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It is argued that the inclusion of traditional subjects
such
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 as history should be allocated less time
while
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 more time should be allocated to develop soft
skills
Use synonyms
such
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 as business and communication. In
this
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 essay, I will partially agree with the above statement with appropriate examples. On the one hand, secondary school is a great place to develop soft
skills
Use synonyms
 efficiently. The modern economic environment is undergoing a rapid transition through technological advancements. The rapid transition is completely changing the way we interact with each other.
For example
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, developing communication
skills
Use synonyms
 will increase the ability to network, find innovative ideas, improve teamwork and help to become an effective leader. Business courses will improve our abilities to manage funds, minimize losses and secure capital for our companies as successful employees or entrepreneurs.
On the other hand
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, history is a collection of past events and how our economy was shaped by many revolutions. These events cannot be totally ignored as they have a very deep connection to modern times and learning both success and failure might help to make necessary long-term progressive decisions cautiously. In conclusion, communications and business
skills
Use synonyms
 must be prioritized as it could help the students to find themselves successful in their career
while
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 history cannot be totally ignored as it could help them to improve their decision-making strategy.
Submitted by onlineconsumer on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task well by presenting an argument for both sides and offering a clear standpoint. However, to elevate your score, try to provide more detailed and specific examples to support your main points. For instance, you could mention specific business skills or historical events.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically organized, and your essay flows well from one point to the next. To further improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and maintain a more consistent logical structure throughout your essay.
coherence cohesion
While your essay does have an introduction and conclusion, make sure that your conclusion clearly restates your position and summarizes the main points discussed. This will provide a stronger sense of closure.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which help frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
You make a valid point about the importance of both communication skills and history, showing a balanced perspective.
general
Your language and grammar are generally accurate, and you have a variety of sentence structures, which make your essay easy to read.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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