IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

More and more people are becoming Seriously over weight) Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods To what extent do you agree or disagre?

#people #weight #price #foods #disagre
Nowadays, some
people
 think that many
people
 becoming overweight with fattening
food
 and they think they have found the solution by increasing the
price
 of fattening
meals
. I strongly disagree and agree at the same time.
To begin
 with, humans think that increasing the
price
 of fattening
food
 because human’s overweight but in my opinion,
this
 won’t work because
for example
, if one person always eats fast
food
 he can’t stop eating because some
people
 are addicted to the fattening
meals
 they can pay any money for the
food
 they want to eat. But
on the other hand
, some
people
 can’t afford fattening
meals
 if they increase prices
for example
 if one family have 7 members it would be very expensive, and another example is when some
people
 work at a job that doesn’t pay much and cannot afford the
price
 because of they don’t have any money to pay.
Thus
, in my point of view increasing the
price
 of fast
food
 cannot help some
people
 because they are addicted to the fattening
meals
 but
on the other hand
, some
people
 cannot afford the
food
 because of their jobs and family problems
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument but fails to develop each point thoroughly. To achieve a higher score in task achievement, strengthen the arguments with more detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, the logical flow within and between paragraphs needs improvement. Furthermore, the balance between agreeing and disagreeing perspectives should be more distinct. Ensure a clearer logical structure to enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the prompt and provides a balanced view of both sides of the debate.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which establish a basic structure for the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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