IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#countries #amount #crime
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In many countries, crimes have escalated especially in certain countries with low to middle income
such
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 as Africa, Indonesia, India, Papua, Afghanistan, and Venezuela. The main reasons
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
crime
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 has escalated in a span of several years may be caused by economic,
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education
Correct word choice
and education
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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, and mental
disorders
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due to
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 the lack of
regulated
Correct article usage
a regulated
show examples
government
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 system. Economic problems can be seen from the poverty
rates
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 of a country. Unemployment, high competition stakes in a business, high taxes with low
salary
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salaries
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, and
lastly
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 corruption from the
government
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 itself.
This
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 causes the citizen to move to a more unalternative way to live their life. Not only poverty causes growth in
crime
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rates
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 but
also
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 mental
disorders
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 that are developed through either genetics or experiences in their past life. Mental
disorders
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 shouldn't be taken lightly as it is a major cause for someone to
do
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 criminal acts. Many serial killers we've heard of
such
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 as Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bunty, The Zodiac Killer and other criminals
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 at least one mental
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disorders
Fix the agreement mistake
disorder
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 they've developed from childhood or genetics
such
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 as schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Necrophilia,
Psycophat
Correct your spelling
Psychopath
, Sociopath and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Those disorder
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That disorder
Those disorders
show examples
 usually comes from
bad
Add an article
a bad
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 childhood and
live
Wrong verb form
living
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 in a rather unstable economy. The third problem
,
Add a missing verb
is, lack
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lack
Correct article usage
the lack
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 of
education
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. Most of the criminals
comes
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come
show examples
 from lower statuses because they have no higher
education
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 which
made
Wrong verb form
makes
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 them hard to find a job that accepts them which
then
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lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
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crime related
Add a hyphen
crime-related
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 jobs because it does not require age or even safety but with a quite huge amount of profit. The
government
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 should implement more schools and free entry jobs for anyone who does not have a high degree in
education
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. We could see the contrast
of
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between
show examples
a developed countries
Correct the article-noun agreement
developed countries
a developed country
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 like Germany, Sweden, and
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
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 have lower
crime
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rates
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 which shows how much
education
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 is essential for the
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 of the country's
people
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. Free
education
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 until high school should be implemented by the
government
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 more often to reduce
crime
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rates
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. The lack of regulation in the
government
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 mostly corruption to abuse of power. Not only
people
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 who are
in
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of
show examples
 lower status
commits
Change the verb form
commit
show examples
Use synonyms
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
,
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people
Correct word choice
but people
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 from the higher ups
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
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also
Rephrase
so
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. A good governor should take over the system and create a better one,
from
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as
show examples
 corruption itself leads to loss of money spent for their own benefit
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 for their
people
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. We could only make a change by proving the wrongs of the
government
Use synonyms
while
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 helping those who needed attention.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task response
Your essay addresses the task by discussing the main causes of crime and suggesting ways to deal with them. However, providing more specific examples and detailed explanations would strengthen your arguments. For instance, giving more concrete examples of policies or programs that have succeeded in reducing crime could be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Nonetheless, some points lack cohesion and flow. Using more transitional phrases and ensuring each paragraph smoothly leads to the next can improve the overall coherence. For example, linking sentences within paragraphs more effectively can help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task response
You have touched on several key points such as economic problems, mental health, and education. However, some points are not fully expanded. For example, when discussing mental health, it would be helpful to elaborate on how specific mental health interventions can reduce crime.
task response
You have identified several pertinent causes of crime, including economic issues, mental health, and lack of education, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the discussion effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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