IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People in many countries are spending less time with their family. What are the reasons, and effects of this?

Family
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The family
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 has always been considered an important foundation of each individual and society. In today's fast-paced life, many
people
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 are gradually spending less
time
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 with their families. In modern society,
work
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 pressure is one of the main reasons why many
people
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 spend less
time
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 with their families. With increasing competition, many
people
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 are forced to
work
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 overtime or take on a second job to meet financial needs and career stability.
In addition
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, careers
such
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 as healthcare and service often have irregular
work
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 schedules, resulting in little rest
time
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 and difficulty maintaining family routines.When
work
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 takes up most of an individual’s
time
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 and attention, family often gets neglected. The lack of conversation, sharing of feelings and
time
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 together can cause relationships to become distant.
With the
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The
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 development of technology, especially smartphones and social networks, has changed the way
people
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 interact with each other.
Instead
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 of spending
time
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 talking directly with family, many
people
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 are caught up in online activities. Each person in the family may be focused on their own screen, leading to distance and disconnection in relationships. The use of technology can make family members feel stressed, tired and lonely in their own homes.
This
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 not only affects mental health but
also
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 creates distance between family members. Lack of share increases psychological problems In conclusion ,
work
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 pressure and technological development,
although
Linking Words
 bringing many benefits to individuals and society, are
also
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 gradually taking away
time
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 and connection in families, if not balanced properly. Only when
individual
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an individual
the individual
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 is aware of it, family relationships can be maintained and developed sustainably.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next for a more cohesive argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points for a stronger task achievement.
task achievement
Consider elaborating further on the psychological effects on family relationships, to deepen your response.
task achievement
Your essay clearly identifies the main reasons for reduced family time: work pressure and technology.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You effectively explore the impact of technology on family interactions.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • predominant
  • commitments
  • imbalance
  • digital technology
  • social media
  • globalization
  • weakened
  • disconnected
  • strain
  • stress
  • mental health issues
  • developmental issues
  • behavioral problems
  • parental guidance
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