Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
It is commonly known that developments in technology are not always good for us. Surely, surveillance cameras and cellphones make us feel more secure,
however
, with
all Change preposition
apply
this
devices controlling us without consent can provoke some sense of discomfort, almost as Change the determiner
these
someone
broke into our own private space.
Correct word choice
if someone
Firstly
, most of this methods
of monitoring have plenty of pros. Change the determiner
this method
these methods
For example
, footages
recorded by security cameras Fix the agreement mistake
footage
have
been helping out Correct subject-verb agreement
has
getting
a lot of criminals lately. Verb problem
apply
According to
data, published by police departments, those recordings were used in court to recognise almost 90% of criminals who robbed a bank in the last
20 years! Likewise
, thanks to phone-tracking features a lot of mafia groups' members were localized and arrested by local authorities.
In contrast
, this
methods have cons, Change the determiner
these
thus
are always active, resulting in influencing also
other citizens' life
rather than only Fix the agreement mistake
lives
criminals'
. In fact, Correct your spelling
criminals
this
tracking devices often get Correct determiner usage
these
along with
softwares
used to advertise Correct your spelling
software
in
social media platforms and websites. Change preposition
on
For instance
, in 2016 during Correct article usage
the american
american
Change the capitalization
American
presidentials
elections, Correct your spelling
presidential
facebook
used Capitalize word
Facebook
user's
personal data and Fix the agreement mistake
users'
websites
cookies to make people vote for Trump Change the noun form
website
instead
of Clinton. As a result
, this
interfered in
a state's democracy and it's really scary!
In conclusion, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages at the moment. I think that computers still don't have compromised our freedom indeed. But, if Change preposition
with
this
happens in the future, it will be a problem to solve immediately. This
can be avoided by being more mindful in
electronic Change preposition
of
devices
usage and by voting Change the noun form
device
people
who Change preposition
for people
uses
them for our safety and not for their own good.Change the verb form
use
Submitted by alessandro.talese on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a well-rounded response to the prompt and clearly considers both the advantages and disadvantages of technology used for monitoring. However, ensure that each argument is fully developed and supported with more specific details or examples. This can enhance the persuasiveness of your response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally clear, with a good introduction and conclusion. However, work on making transitions between paragraphs smoother to improve the overall flow. Additionally, pay attention to ensuring each point is coherently connected back to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The language used is clear, but there are some minor grammatical and syntactical errors. For example, phrases like "all this devices" should be "all these devices", and "this methods" should be "these methods." Proofreading can help to catch these minor errors.
introduction conclusion present
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position, which is a key element of a high-scoring essay.
relevant specific examples
The use of relevant, real-world examples such as the 2016 American presidential elections and police data on criminal captures make your argument more compelling.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?