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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows infromation about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the infromation by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows infromation about Heart Attacks by Age and Gender in USA. Summarise the infromation by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The chart provides
infromation
Correct your spelling
information
 about the
number
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
, in three age groups
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 experienced a
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, we can understand that the
number
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
who experienced
show examples
experienced
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
 a
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 higher compared to
women
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 as both genders grow older they're at higher risk. A more
detail
Replace the word
detailed
show examples
 look at the chart reveals that, between ages 29 to 44, 123,000
men
Use synonyms
 experienced a
heart
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attack
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 which is almost 40 times the
number
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 of
women
Use synonyms
. From 45 to 64 years old, the
number
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 of
men
Use synonyms
 experiencing a
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
 grows to 424
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 and the
number
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 of
women
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 reaches 136
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
, between these ages we can see the biggest gap between these two genders. For people that are 65 or older, the growth in
male
Add an article
the male
a male
show examples
 group is less than 2
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 but the
number
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
experienced
Correct pronoun usage
who experienced
show examples
 a
heart
Use synonyms
attack
Use synonyms
 met a
significat
Correct your spelling
significant
 increase and
reaches
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 374
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 from 136
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
, in
this
Linking Words
 age group we can see the gap between genders declines to less than 100
Use synonyms
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, men, women, heart, attack, thousands with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reaches" was used 2 times.
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