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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The detailed description about crime will affect the people and cause many social problems. Some people say that the media should be strictly controlled. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#description #crime #people #media
Some
people
 argue over the fact that detailed
description
Fix the agreement mistake
descriptions
show examples
 made by the
media
 about crime are able to affect the
people
 and be the root of many social problems.
In particular
, they point out, as a possible solution to that issue, to
stricly
Correct your spelling
strictly
 control
media
. I partially agree with that statement because it is important to protect the privacy of the victims but it can
also
 be important to let
people
 know about certain
details
 to inform citizens about the criminal’s habits. On the one hand, putting so much effort
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 narrating detailed
description
Fix the agreement mistake
descriptions
show examples
 of crimes can have negative outcomes both for the relatives of the victim,
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have to listen to
that informations
Change the determiner
that information
those informations
show examples
 on every
media
 and
also
 for the privacy of the victim itself. As an example of that, there are plenty of podcast that narrates the story of famous crimes because the
details
 become popular.
On the other hand
, the reason why I partially disagree with the statement is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 in some cases,
such
 as serial killers and
recidive
Correct your spelling
receive
 criminals, it can be important to make
people
 aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the situations. Indeed, to prevent crime commission, it can be very important to make some
details
 widespread by
media
. It can prevent possible victims
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 actually
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 ones.
Moreover
, there can be witnesses that can help the police finding out those criminals . Indeed, many
people
 could be helpful if they
know
Wrong verb form
knew
show examples
 that they were present
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a crime scene and maybe remember some important
details
 for the police investigations.
To conclude
, there are
for sure
Correct word choice
certain
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 to protect the privacy of the family and to ward others
while
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sure in certain
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 making
people
 aware of what is going on can have positive outcomes for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
police investigations.
Submitted by lucrezialivi on

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Grammar
Work on eliminating minor grammar and vocabulary errors to enhance clarity, as these can sometimes distract the reader.
Examples
Try to incorporate more specific examples or case studies to strengthen your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and robust.
Idea Development
While your main points are clear, consider developing them further and adding more depth. This can involve discussing counterarguments or providing more detailed analysis.
Structure
Your essay contains a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which help frame your argument clearly.
Balance
Your argument is well balanced, acknowledging both sides of the issue, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Vocabulary
The use of specific terminology related to the topic (e.g., 'privacy,' 'witnesses,' 'serial killers') shows a good grasp of the topic's vocabulary.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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