IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Write about the following topic: Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #schools #food #drinks #students #lunch #breaks #development
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Children
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 prefer to eat
foods
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 which are rich in fat, sugar and salt.
Thus
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, schools target
children
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 to earn more money by promoting
such
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foods
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 to them .
However
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, I would argue that it will have a negative impact.
Firstly
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,
children
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 will become sick by consuming processed
foods
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. Eating processed
foods
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 will result in excess weight gain. Not only they will become overweight or obese, but
also
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 they will get other non-communicable diseases,
such
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 as diabetes and high blood pressure at a young age. Their grades will become lower gradually, as they cannot attend school regularly and they are no longer
be
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apply
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able to concentrate on their class.
For example
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, a recent study has shown that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
children
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 tend to score more on their subjects than
children
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 with poor health status.
Secondly
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, it will create unnecessary quarrels between the
parents
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 and their
children
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.
Children
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 may think eating junk food and having sweetened drinks are healthy as they are sold at school.
However
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,
parents
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 might have taught them that eating
such
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foods
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 is injurious to health.
In addition
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, they will not eat the home-cooked lunch as they want to taste the
foods
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 that are sold at the school with their friends.
Moreover
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, they may demand pocket money from their
parents
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 to buy those
foods
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 during their meal break. Unfortunately, not all the
parents
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 are rich enough to provide an extra cash for their
children
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.
For instance
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, in Canada, a healthy lunch program has been implemented to reduce an economic burden on the
parents
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 and one of the advantages of that program is the
children
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 who are in the lunch program have a harmonious relationship with their
parents
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. In conclusion, I would argue that promoting junk food consumption at schools by selling those
foods
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 will have detrimental effects on school-aged
children
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, though it provides monetary benefits to schools.
Submitted by gowsht on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the essay, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and stays focused on one main idea. This will enhance coherence and make your arguments even clearer.
task achievement
Your task achievement is strong; however, make sure all points are thoroughly explored within the word limit. Delving deeper into the economic argument for schools might add more balance to your discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the discussed points.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples strengthens your arguments and makes them more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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