Some people believe that children should be made disciplined by making them obey rules and do what their parents and teachers want them to do. Others, however, believe that those children who are controlled are not well-prepared to tackle the challenges life brings to them. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
It is believed by many that young ones should be disciplined and made to follow orders given by their
parents
and teachers. While
some are of the opinion that, controlling children
and forcing them to obey orders are unprepared to face the challenges thrown at them in life
. Although
this
essay will discuss both sides, but
in my opinion, caretakers and guardians should balance strictness and leniency with their Remove the conjunction
apply
children
, because being disciplined will teach them to value the
precious time and leniency will teach them to be more independent and confident.
Correct article usage
apply
To begin
with, teaching obedience to children
to a certain extent helps them in having
a proper routine and structure in Wrong verb form
have
life
, and both of these qualities are very important to succeed in life
. To elaborate it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
further
, for example
, my older daughter is a swimmer and an athlete. She swims early in the morning and in the evening, one
and two hours respectively. She wakes up at 5:30 am and sleeps at 8 pm, Change preposition
for one
this
routine has given her a very healthy lifestyle and
keeps her active during school hours and keeps her busy and away from all the vices of the society that teens are involved in.
Correct word choice
apply
Similarly
, having the liberty to make own decisions is equally vital for mental
growth of a Add an article
the mental
child
. To explain it further
, allowing a child
to take steps on their own rather than dictating will result in either failing or succeeding, and both will help them in their future lives to prosper. From failures they will learn their
mistakes and success will give them the confidence they need to face challenges in Change preposition
from their
life
, therefore
, it is very necessary for parents
and teachers to be less controlling and the
let the Correct article usage
apply
child
navigate Fix the agreement mistake
children
life
on their own.
In contrast
, it is an opinion of many that children
should be strictly controlled and obeys
the orders as instructed by their guardians. Correct subject-verb agreement
obey
This
leads to only hampering their personalities and developing their minds. For example
, a recent study in British
Medical Journal shows thatCorrect article usage
the British
,
Remove the comma
apply
suicide
rate is very high amongst young individuals in South Korea and the main cause Add an article
the suicide
are
the Correct subject-verb agreement
is
parents
who are very strict and control every aspect of their children
's lives. Hence
, it proves that raising too obedient or disciplined individual leads to only
mental depression and Correct word choice
apply
impede
the development of a Correct subject-verb agreement
impedes
child
's behaviour.
To conclude
, I reiterate, just
like being well-trained and Correct word choice
that just
in-control
is important, having the freedom to make mistakes and Correct your spelling
in control
succeeding
on their own is Wrong verb form
succeed
also
a significant lesson in life
teachers and parents
should teach their children
.Submitted by hnm0804 on
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task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded discussion on both views and states a clear opinion. However, there are a few areas where clarity and precision could be improved. For example, the introduction could be more concise, eliminating the phrase "this essay will discuss both sides" and directly presenting the thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to use more varied linking words and phrases. While the essay generally flows well, some transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. For example, instead of "Similarly," you might use "On the other hand" to better contrast the two viewpoints.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a balanced argument, discussing both views in an organized manner and providing clear examples.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are strong, setting the stage for your argument and effectively summarizing your points.
task achievement
You used relevant examples to support your main points, adding depth and context to your discussion.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.
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