IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe it is important to spend a lot on family celebration while others think it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #celebration #waste #money
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It has been deemed by most
people
 that spending on family
celebrations
 is significant,
while
 others perceive it as a waste of wealth.
Although
 I believe spending extravagant
money
 on family weddings is unnecessary, a number of
people
 spend huge amounts of
money
 on family
celebrations
 to show off their wealth. Nowadays, all around the world, it has become a custom to celebrate weddings in a very famous hotel.
However
, these wedding halls make thousands of dollars out of
this
 business,
while
 most
families
 borrow
money
 as a loan from banks or their relatives for
expenses
Correct article usage
the expenses
show examples
 of these wedding festivals.
For example
, in my country, nearly all
families
 are under pressure by their customs and
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 to hold their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 one’s wedding
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the wedding hall, which
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 enormous financial strain on them,
whereas
, I believe nobody should go under cultural and tradition pressure to spend
money
 on trivial
celebrations
.
However
, wealthy and rich
people
are preferring
Wrong verb form
prefer
show examples
 to spend and boast
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 wealth to others by spending unlimited amounts of
money
 on their
celebrations
, whether it is a birthday
part
Correct your spelling
party
show examples
 or a grant celebration of a wedding anniversary;
moreover
, they only satisfy their worldly
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
 and undermine the culture of generosity to share their food with other
people
 who are starving for food.
For example
,
last
 year in India, two wealthy
families
 held a grant wedding ceremony, to which they invited moguls from all around the world. I believe
this
 type of celebration and spending is totally unjustifiable because of social injustices. In conclusion,
money
people
 prefer to spend a lot of
money
 on family
celebrations
, which significantly undermines the fairness of society between
people
.
On the other hand
,
people
 can still celebrate and have the same level of happiness with their
families
 with less spending on family festivals. I believe it is very important to have an observation
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 society’s financial status to see why I should spend less and be happy.
Submitted by am.edrees on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, consider using more transition words and phrases to clearly link your ideas and arguments. This will help the reader follow your train of thought more easily.
task achievement
Try to develop your points more thoroughly by including more detailed examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more convincing and comprehensive.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is crucial for a task of this nature.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay and summarize the key points discussed.
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